Coming Soon!

Coming Soon!  Life in Balance Blog 

I am excited to share with you that I have purchased a blog name, set up word press, uploaded some posts and plan to launch my new blog in this next week. I could not be more happy with my decision to finally take the plunge and be self-hosted. Even the process of taking this risk and pouring myself into this blog has been good for my soul.  

The timing for this blog is also divine. In this past month of December, I have been very easily discouraged and melancholy as I anxiously await for little T to arrive. My hormones are no doubt elevated from pregnancy, and my emotions have not been very good company as of late. But the other day, after feeling sorry for myself all morning, I decided to purchase the domain name and get started on my blog. Before I knew it, two hours had passed, and I no longer felt like crying. I felt so mentally challenged and inspired that I completely forgot about my pity party of a morning.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that this pleasant distraction of a self-hosted blog is a gift from God, and I am excited to see how he is going to use it and challenge me through it. I believe that God puts new adventures in our life to remind us how to trust in Him again. I also believe that it is not a coincidence that the beginning or “birth” of this blog coincides with little T’s birth. My logical mind would not purposely take on a new project as a first-time mom, but somehow the timing worked out that way, and I believe that this is also part of God’s plan. Just like I trust God’s timing with this blog, I trust him to also show me how to be a loving mom to little T. I trust God to show me how to love little T without making him an idol in our lives. I trust God to help me overcome my insecurities as a person and my anxiety about becoming a mother.

I am not sure what will happen to my Life From Here blog, but my guess is I won’t update it anymore. It served a purpose for about 9 years, and I am grateful for all the adventures I got to write about on here. If you want to keep following me at my new blog, I would be most honored. Just head on over to http://lifeinbalanceblog.com. It should be up and running soon.   

Sunday morning

Sunday morning,

stillness, no spoken words

only worship faintly flooding

the apartment.

Praising, baking bread

washing dishes.


Blissful

in these moments,

I see better his plan

for rest, renewal

soul-searching,

listening, remembering.


I wrote this poem after a joy-filled morning of just being. I used to have more of these mornings in China, but in the US, I have allowed life to stomp out most of these spaces. After this morning of refreshment, though, I know I cannot continue on like this without carving these quiet spaces into my week. Here is some of the worship I enjoyed this morning on Spotify: Sunday Morning Playlist

How do you get refreshed? I would love to hear in the comments below; I have lots to learn.

Trying to Chill Out. . .

This past week, I had a moment where I felt completely overwhelmed. A friend texted me out of the blue and wanted to get together. At the same time, I was really wanting to call another dear, close friend of mine whom I hadn't spoken to in over a month. The number of people I felt I needed to connect with along with the other life tasks I needed to take care of was dizzying.

I had to step back and tell myself to chill out. Usually when I get to this point teetering between feeling self-sufficient and wanting to run away from the world,  I make poor choices and jump into everything telling myself "I can do it, and I MUST do it." I am embarrassed to say that I even get to a point where sometimes I think my friends need me. Do you hear the absurdness of this? I am thinking of myself as some type of savior for my friends? And let me be clear--we do need and were made for friendship, but the thought that my friend needs me specifically is incorrect. What can I give to my friends especially if I have already reached empty for the day? How much better to trust God in these moments and ask him to provide for this friend even if I can't be all the friend I want to be. I do believe that God can and does provide; why do I think I need to help him out? This is a hard lesson for me to get; I have been working on it now for about 10 years.

This past holiday season, I was blessed to meet up with some dear friends from when I lived in China. They asked me if I was still struggling with being overly busy. I responded somewhat surprised, "What--was I going through that in China too? That was nearly 7 years ago? I thought this overly busy stuff was a recent struggle for me." It turns out it's not. It's my default. It's what I thought God wanted for me, and I am confident that not all the busyness was in vain.  But so much of the busyness has been a working out of my salvation, a looking for divine purpose in different friendships and through different activities. However, an overwhelmed, anxious spirit is not what the Father is asking of me, and quite frankly, I'm beat, exhausted from years of this striving.

I can't meet with all the friends I would like to. So far this week-end, I have met with one friend. It's a new record for me. And instead of feeling overwhelmed, I have tried to just chill out a bit, so very aware of my limits and the need for putting my own worth back into perspective.

Do you want to know a secret?

Do you want to know a secret? Since kindergarten, I have had an intense fear of being left out of groups. It started in Kindergarten when I was the only one in our group of friends not invited to my friend's house for her Birthday. I could not understand what was happening, and it felt like the rug had been pulled out from me. . . and I was 5.

This feeling has haunted me ever since. It has manifested itself in different ways, but it always follows a pattern. In the past, when I have been included in a group of 3 to 4 friends, after a period of a couple months, I will remove myself from the group creating distance with these friends. My rationale is, "if I walk away, it is on my terms. There is no rejection, there is no pain. You cannot reject me because I am willingly leaving before I am deemed not cool enough to be in this group."

This is basically what I did in college with a few girlfriends I had at the time. Although I did transfer colleges, I also emotionally severed ties.  I did the same thing again when I was training with other teachers in China. It is not that they did not want me in their group. The fact is, I distanced myself from them, preferring the company of the older retired teachers instead. In hindsight, how much of this was also simply a way to protect myself from the fear of rejection.

Now, I am in a group with 3 other girls. We meet every other week to pray and hold one another accountable. It has been life-giving, and deeply encouraging to my soul. At the same time, I feel scared. I know my tendency, and I feel ready to jump ship. At what point am I suddenly not invited to that party, that meeting?  And yet, I have stayed.  I have committed in my soul not to run away simply because I am scared.

I want to get to a point where this fear no longer haunts me. Where I can see friendship as God designed it to be. Where I am not accepted or rejected based on my wisdom or what I can bring to the table. But rather where I am accepted because He has called me "chosen," and He has called me "friend." I am not there yet, however, I am letting the work be done in me so that I can be there soon.

What fears do you struggle with in friendships? Has anyone else ever discarded good relationships out of fear?

This song -- truth for my soul

I discovered another wonderfully encouraging song from Elevation Worship after checking out Lysa TerKeurst's blog. I especially like that this song focuses on us as conquerers. We are not held back by fear; we are more than conquerers because our God has the Last Word.

What do you think of this song? 

This Song-- Good Good Father

I cannot get this song out of my head. Truth, life-giving, unconditional love from Abba Father.

Sometimes I forget who I am and start to think that I need to accomplish things or have something to show for my life. This song breaks it down for me: I am loved by the Father. That is my identity. Praise God! The burden of achieving of being "successful" in this life are not who I am. If God choses to give me those things, great. If not, I am no less loved, no less valuable to him.

On Being CONFIDENT, part 3

I am continuing to fight the battle of staying confident. I find that it's more difficult to do so when I am tired. Take today for example, sitting in a neon lit-office working as a leasing agent for our apartment complex. The office thermostat shows that it is only 66 degrees. My toes are tingly, and my nose is running. I'm fighting off a head-ache and looking forward to the days of financial freedom when one job will be enough.

 However, here I sit. The phone rings--someone wants to drop off something for someone. From my training manual I remember reading that we don't do third party pick-ups. That's what this situation is, right? The man is distraught and simply wants to drop off his ex's things without seeing her. I tell him I'm sorry, but we can't help him. After getting off the phone, I call my boss. She tells me that third party pick-ups does not mean third party drop-offs. It turns out we could have let him drop the things off here all along.

 And then, my thoughts . .
                                     spiral into the . .
                                                            negative abyss.

 "What if I caused this man such emotional trauma that he takes his own life?"
"What if I am fired from this position? What if the tenant comes and chews me out for not letting her ex  drop something off?"  And so on and so forth.

 But I am fighting to replace this onslaught of negative thoughts with positive ones.
 So here they are:
 "The man worked out a solution on his own that didn't involve us. That is a good thing."
 "The man did not want to send the package in the mail because of the postage cost which means he is clearly thinking about the future, which means he is not thinking about taking his own life."
 "The tenant and the man may be upset with me; it's okay. I am okay. I can take their displaced anger with a smile and tingly toes."

 My friend reminded me of this verse from Philippians 4:8 this week: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." It does NOT say, "Brothers and sisters, whatever causes you anxiety, whatever is unlovely, whatever is unforgiveable-- if anything is disturbing or life-sucking-- think about such things." No-- if I am thinking about such things, I am not living life in the Spirit. I am stealing from myself the joy that God desires me to have. So, I sit here, trying to fill my mind with true and admirable things-- excellent and praiseworthy things. I am not perfect; the mistakes will keep coming. But I climb out and look upward beyond myself.

A New Year, a New Resolution

Last year on my blog, I wrote that I had one simple goal for the New Year: to write more. I would give myself a C+ on reaching my goal. I did in fact write more, but not in the capacity I was imagining. My goal was to write more regularly on this blog and also to do some free-lance writing. Neither of those things happened, but I did end up writing a lot of lesson plans and email communications with a part-time teaching job I took this past June. The writing has helped to keep my fingers flying and my mind mentally challenged. It's been a gift, and I am thankful. 

This year, my New Year's Resolution is to read the bible and pray with Rob everyday. Along those same lines, I feel convicted that I need to prioritize my role as a wife above other things in my life. Rob and I were talking about our goals the other day, and we decided it's like this: our relationship with each other is the second most important relationship we have next to our personal relationship with God. If our marriage relationship is not going well, it doesn't matter how any of our other relationships are doing; we will be silently suffering.  

We are entering a season of intentional prioritizing. Rob works pretty long and intense hours and comes home beat. I work fewer hours, but fill up each space of my day with activity so that I am equally as tired by the time my head hits the pillow. It is time for a change.  

I am not sure how to set milestones or objectives for this resolution of prioritizing my role as a wife, but I think it is going to include a lot of passing on extra-curricular activities. Instead of saying "yes" to lots of things that sound good and are interesting to me, I need to reserve a bit more energy for taking care of things at home and being more available (mentally) for Rob. It is going to be a challenge for me, but I am convinced it will be worth it! 

And what better reminder of my New Year's goal than this song by Tenth Avenue North which pretty much sums up my prayer and resolution for 2015. 

On Being CONFIDENT, part 1

In my last post, I explained my bold moves of confidence for 2015. Today, I got to practice some of those confidence moves, and can I just say, taking small steps is incredibly empowering.

The first step that I took was I attended a small group meeting at the church where we have been attending. Since we are new to the church, I felt a bit intimidated. But I made sure not to hold back. When that internal voice started to whisper to me that I was new and should probably just keep quiet and be an observer, I silenced it by speaking up and sharing in the group. When they offered to pray for people, I volunteered to receive prayer. I moved from inaction to action, and I did not let my insecurities get in the way.

The result? I received amazing words of encouragement from being prayed for and am entering the beginning stages of friendship with a few ladies in the group. God is amazing! He does not want us to be perfect. He wants us to be brave and trust that he can work through us. I am starting to see confidence as having two sides to it: God can and does use me, but he also desires that I take action. At the same time that He desires I take action, He gives me the power and strength I need to do it. In other words, he desires action for us and simultaneously equips us for it.

The second way I took a risk today happened at Goodwill. I headed there to get a refund for being overcharged the other day. Please do not judge me for asking for a refund from Goodwill. The principle of the matter was not the money-- it was the investment of time I had spent at Goodwill deliberating over 5 sweaters that were all calling my name. I finally pared it down to 3 sweaters, paid the bill and left. When I got home, I looked over the receipt to discover I had been charged for 4 sweaters. I maybe wouldn't have been so upset had I not already spent 20 minutes in the store narrowing down my final purchase to only 3 sweaters. When I returned to Goodwill today with my receipt, 2 days after the purchase, I did not expect there would be any problem. I was pretty floored when the manager told me there was nothing they could do since the transaction had happened 2 days ago. What? I left the store feeling upset. And then I remembered some helpful advice from a bargaining guru (check out the video below), and I returned into the store prepared to be a bit more firm in my request.

After I entered the store, I went right up to the manager and explained my story and how I was so upset because I had spent a long time in Goodwill narrowing down my choice. I explained how there were in fact 5 sweaters I wanted to buy that day, but after spending 20 minutes deliberating, I settled on 3. I also explained that I really liked Goodwill and wanted to continue giving them my business, but I was just so frustrated with this experience. I then made an offer, (as she suggests in the video)-- "I don't even need a refund; I will take store credit." At this point, the manager could see that I was pretty upset (and perhaps a little crazy) and said it was just fine if I wanted to go pick out another sweater. I thanked her profusely and 20 minutes later, I had a sweater in hand that I liked.  I will definitely be wearing this sweater, and it will serve as a reminder to me that I need to continue taking risks and being confident in 2015. 

Have you taken a bold risk or made a confidence move? I would love to hear about it in the comments below.

When God Says No

Sometimes, I expect God to reveal Himself to me in how he provides for me or answers my prayers. On occassion, God does reveal Himself that way. But so many other times, he choses not to answer my prayers by giving me what I want -- instead, he meets me in my struggling, doubting self that asks “Why not? What else do you have for me? I don’t know where you are taking me, and I am tired of searching for it.”  

If God were only a god who gave us what we want, then He would not be very powerful, sovereign, or righteous. The Lord only knows how many times I have asked for things that would be crippling, toxic, and ultimately lead me away from Him. He knows when and how to answer our prayers and that reveals His sovereignty, His grace, His protection. 

The truth is my priorities are not always in line with God’s will for my life. But often times, I do not realize this in time from being spared the heart-ache of God telling me No.  I assume that if God is living in me, then any desire or dream I have must be from Him. And maybe, sometimes it is. But my fleshly self has its way of lurking around the corner of my mind, crowding in upon me, and subtley forcing its way into my thoughts and my ambitions. And I am left in the aftermath of disappointment. 

But this is not a hopeless place to be. This is where God has me for now. He is not silent in His answers, even if I don’t like them. He is bringing my skewed priorities into the light, and there is clarity and a simplicity in that light. A getting back to the basics of seeking God in every moment and every decision. 

So Now What?

Alright, I know my last post wasn't exactly the most uplifting. But, I am trying not to hang my head about my job situation. And just to clarify, although I feel like it is a depressing situation, I am not depressed. Big difference. I am still able to find joy in the day to day activities of life. I am blessed to have amazing friends, a loving husband, supportive parents, a safe place to call home. I am truly blessed. But I am still not content to stay here.

 In my quest to find out my career in life, I have started to read two books. The first one is START by Jon Acuff. The subtitle is Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average, Do Work that Matters. So I am trying to wake up early every morning to have quiet time and do a little bit of guided journaling about bridging the gap between my dreams and my reality.

 The second book I have started to read is called Strengthfinders. I know that I have strengths and that these are tied to what I enjoy and what career path I should be walking down.

I am also committed to blogging more. Not to see how many people comment or read my blog, but to keep myself accountable by sharing my journey with a few more people. I have also discovered that I am not alone and that some of my friends struggle with this same career thing. And finally, I have decided to blog more because I simply love to write. I love to see how clear my thoughts become when I put them to paper. I write because it helps me breath and taste life more fully.

So that's what I have decided to do to get unstuck. Wake up early, read more, write more, and pray continuously! I don't want to simply change jobs in hopes of discovering where I am going. I want to move with a clear purpose when God tells me "Now."

Not Where I was Heading

This is hardly where I thought I would be. The reality of it bites at me everyday. I want to do something more significant than teach the ABC's, clean up milk spills, wipe down tables, mediate between 5 year olds, be pulled and prodded for my attention. I want a different type of significance. A significance more related to building up individuals in their identities, maybe in hopes of building up my own. Everyday as I try to get motivated to go to work with kindergarteners, I see life as a kind of a cruel joke. I thought that if I just followed all the rules and got good grades, life would somehow reward me with a good job or at least a job related to my 7 years of study. I thought if I separated myself from the American dream of career, money, and stability, and abandoned myself to a higher calling, the other things would come naturally and without much struggle. Surely God could bring those things my way with a snap of his fingers. Surely I am not alone in these questions, thoughts, regrets. I have been trying to be joyful, to be satisfied, to enjoy little tokens of life. For the most part, I do, and I am thankful. But I am also scared that I have gotten so accustomed to seeing life as cruel that I am unable to dream that it could be different. From where I sit now, it looks like when I get to the end, I'll look back and say "Well, that was the best I could do." I feel trapped in Kindergarten forever by time and money and circumstances.

"Not Right Now" by Jason Gray

Alright--I am loving Jason Gray's new cd. His songs are so down to earth and full of truth. During his recent concert, he prefaced the following song by sharing a personal story about a time when he was really struggling with life. He confided in one of his buddies what he was going through. After he finished sharing his hardships with his friend, his friend didn't say anything about his struggles but told Jason: "Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to hug you for two minutes, and you are going to let me."

Jason obviously thought that was strange and a little uncomfortable but he agreed to his friend. His friend grasped him tight and gave him a full frontal bear hug. At first, Jason giggled a little bit, but then his giggles turned into sobs and he let all his sad frustrations go while his friend just held him. . . and said nothing. Jason's point in writing this song was that sometimes we are too quick to think we have the answers to someone's grief or problems. But when we do that, we negate their grief as if we don't value it. I hope that I can be a friend who is there for my friends in the same way that Jason's friend was there for him.

My Biggest Fear

If you asked me to share my biggest fear, I would tell you hands down that it is feeling lonely.  Not the act of being alone, but the actual feeling of loneliness. In crowds, I often used to fill this way. I remember sitting in my college course wondering if anyone else felt the depth of loneliness or isolation I was experiencing. That stage of social isolation and loneliness passed. Very soon after, I started to feel more comfortable around people and more comfortable with myself.

 Right now, loneliness haunts me when I am alone. On a normal week-end when Rob works, I do everything in my power to prevent feeling lonely. I over schedule myself with friends, make long to-do lists, call everyone I know, and work-out multiple times.

But sometimes, despite my best efforts to prevent feeling lonely, the feelings come on strong and dark like a stormy night in June. And tonight is no exception. But I am okay, and I think loneliness is okay too.

Loneliness is not a feeling to be avoided, but one to ride through. Looking to activities and people to fill  lonely spaces can be tiring and exhausting too. Being lonely is part of the human experience. It makes us more able to connect with others; it makes us more compassionate and generous with our time. It helps us fully appreciate all the chalk-full moments we have with family and friends.

Loneliness carves space to listen to God. It creates a quiet stillness in which He can speak. When God spoke to the prophet Elijah, he chose to do so through a gentle whisper, not the wind, not an earthquake, not a fire (1 Kings 19:12)  Maybe the wind, earthquake, and fire symbolize the busy parts of our life that we use to try and ignore our feelings of loneliness or our need to listen to God.

Either way, feeling lonely is okay. If God designed our emotions, he created loneliness too, and he is here in our loneliest moments.

All Things New

Last night, I had the great fortune to go to a musical Easter performance by Northern Heights Lutheran Church called All Things New. Rob and I went with our Chinese friends. They loved it, and I got chills listening to the music. It was a powerful retelling of Christ's last few years before his death.

The cast included (seemingly) professional actors and actresses. If you have a chance and live in the Twin Cities, I highly recommend this performance. You can check it out here and listen to one of their songs: All Things New

After the show, driving back home in a blizzard, we each shared something that made an impression on us. I shared about how loving Jesus was. He was friends with everyone and even people who betrayed him received nothing but his love and forgiveness. It is one thing to read about Jesus' kindness in scripture, but it is another very vivid thing to see his love acted out.

I want to be mindful of Jesus as my friend. I want to intentionally think about how he responded to the worst sinners with love and kindness. He did not ostracize them. He did not give them the cold shoulder or wait for them to come crawling back to him, and he is not doing that to me.  He is not  looking over my shoulder judging me, recording my wrongdoings. No, Jesus is a gentle, patient, kind, & loving friend, forgiving us always. Always ready to listen to us. Always wanting to listen to us.

My New Rules for Facebook

If you have talked to me much in the past year, you might have discovered that I struggle with Facebook. I want to find a healthy balance where I can see it and use it as the wonderful tool it is -- a way to connect people. However, in my desire to stay connected, I sacrifice some of my feelings of self-worth and a lot of my time. Facebook often becomes a joy stealer instead of a positive tool in my life.

In the past, I have gone on Facebook fasts. I will deactivate my account for a month or so. However, I do not think that a Facebook fast is the answer in the same way that I do not think food fasts are the answer to losing weight. In order to lose weight, people have to make a life-style change. In order to have a healthy relationship with Facebook, I need to have a shift in my thinking. I need to figure out how to get some self-control in this area without ignoring it, because if I ignore it, the addiction will likely just manifest itself someplace else.

After my Facebook fasts, it usually does not take long for me to get trapped in my old Facebook habits. I use it more as a way to find some type of significance for my own life. In my head, I have to check my Facebook to see if anyone needs me/ messaged me or has updated any upcoming events.

When I don't see any of these notifications, I then let my mind wander and start to Facebook spy.
 "Hmm, I wonder where this person is living? I wonder how many kids this person has? I wonder what job this person has?  I wonder what that former crush is doing with his life? What, they bought a house?"
 And so the downward spiral to self deprecation goes, and frankly, I am weary from it.

So in order to find a healthy balance to my Facebook use, I am going to follow these guidelines and try my best to stick to them.  I have also posted them by the computer and told Rob so he can help keep me accountable. 

Facebook Guidelines:

1. When checking Facebook, read all the messages and notifications first.

2. When lonely or frustrated with life, do not check Facebook. Instead, do something uplifting like read a book or go on a walk.

3. Do not click on the "see more stories" button. If I am clicking on this button, it means that I am no longer treating Facebook as a tool but as a vice. "Do not do it!"

4. No searching for people I am not Facebook friends with to spy on their lives.

5. No using Facebook to communicate with people I could otherwise call or communicate with via text message.

6. Only check Facebook one time a day. Nothing is so urgent that I need to check it multiple times in a day. 

7. Pray daily to better understand my self-worth in Christ.

Well, there you have it folks. I hope that with these healthy guidelines, I can continue to develop a healthy relationship with the tool we call Facebook.

 How do you maintain a healthy relationship with Facebook? I'd love to hear your ideas.

"Can I Have and Do it All Please?" (a great read)

From the book Can I have and Do It All Please? by Christine Cain:

"Rather than appreciating every part of our life as a God-given season of preparation and molding, we can grow impatient and dissatisfied, especially when that particular season feels mundane, difficult, frustrating, or everlasting. The truth is that every single season--school, single hood, career, marriage, motherhood, even those that involve toilet brushes--is a gift from God. It's not a means to our "all," but rather part of it. That means every single one of us is living in a slice of our "all" at this very moment. When we grasp this thought, it will not only enable us to see the opportunities for learning and grown in this season, but also help us to embrace the exciting things that are going on right now. We need to love the season we're in whilst simultaneously keeping a fresh and expectant attitude about all that lies ahead" (Cain.)

This paragraph spoke powerfully to me. I feel like I am in a state of waiting--right now, waiting for that perfect job or at least some clear career direction. Sometimes it really does make it hard to enjoy the season I am in because I see it as a waiting time. But, I want to start to see it as a slice of the "all." This is not a holding ground for bigger and better things--this is a beautiful season and time to let my character develop and my roots go down deep in Him and His promises.

       Thankful today for a job with low stress and daily laughs.

    Thankful for an attentive husband who knows my faults and loves me the same.
                                                 
    Thankful for friends who remind me to breathe and not take myself too seriously.

    Thankful for my Chinese friends and how easily we relate to each other.

 Thankful for a mom and dad who always like to read my stories.

   Thankful for free cafeteria lunch: chicken nuggets, chocolate milk, and ranch dressing.
.

                                                                       

On Comparing Self to Others

One thing I struggle with is comparing myself to others. I often feel that I am in someway inferior to those around me. My coworkers, family, and friends seem to have these amazing talents that in my head, I don't hold a candle to.

For all of my 20's, I mistakenly thought that if only I were in a relationship or married, these feelings would go away; I would forever be comfortable with who I was because someone had chosen to love me (in the romantic way.)

And then I got married.

 But the feelings of inferiority are still there and so is the comparison game, it just looks different. One of the ways it manifests itself as a married person is by comparing our marriage to other peoples. It is not healthy; I know this, and Rob reminds me not to compare but rather to simply enjoy the awesome marriage we do have. (Rob's amazing by the way. The problem is not in him; it's in my comparing self to others.)

And I don't just stop at comparing the relationship aspect either. Recently, I have gotten sucked into comparing my career --(which is non-existent at this point) with the careers of successful friends and former classmates. I will spend hours checking out their amazing linked in portfolio's and scratching my head wondering how their life choices led them to such an awesome career and my life choices led me to a job I have never wanted. From there, I start to feel as though I have made "career" mistakes.  "Back in 2011, I should have taken this job, instead of taking that job. "  Or, "Why didn't I get that degree instead of this one?" and on and on the internal dialogue goes until I almost feel that I have "sinned" with my career. And I feel so low that I do not know how to function. Do I respond with a competitive spirit and set ambitious goals? Do I quit talking to my friends so I quit comparing myself to them? Do I disconnect from social media? Do I quit showering? I don't know.

For those of you who are getting ready to quote some scripture, let me reassure you that I do know what God thinks of me specifically in Psalm 139:

"For you created my inmost being,
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."

But it's a daily struggle. I want to be a modern day Bohemian Paul, not caring what other people are doing with their lives because I am so passionate in fulfilling God's plan for my life. But then I spend hours pouring over other people's lives on Facebook and Linkedin, and I lose focus. And I need prayers not to do this anymore because it is stealing my joy and holding me back. It stops me from fully rejoicing with others because part of me is always thinking their slice of the pie looks better.

And for now, there is no nice conclusion I can write to make it seem like I have figured out this weakness, because I have not. I am the midst of wrestling with it.

A reminder from candles

I am very sensitive to the lighting, spacing, and organization of a place. That is one reason why I get a little stressed out at work during play time when the room is turned upside down with toys strewn all over the floor, markers lying open on the ground, and kids making train sounds and playing house all at the same time. At these times, I have to kind of squint my eyes so all I see is blurred colors, take some deep breaths and find my inner calm.

It works the other way too though. When I am at home by myself all I need is quiet, a semi-cleaned apartment, and a few lit to create an emotional retreat.

Candles have another effect too--they take the ordinary and make it special. In a way, that is kind of what God does with our lives too when we let him. We are transformed from boring, cold jars of static wax into warm, darting beacons of light. We have life, and we are dynamic. We are able to be changed--to be poured out and take a new shape that He has prepared for us. Furthermore, his light is bright;  the flickering light of one single candle transforms a room and softens hearts. 

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; 

my God turns my darkness into light." Psalm 18:28

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14

Deep thought post with pictures

Today the pastor talked about searching for God's will for your life. Of course, Pastor Peter said that to know this answer we need to continue reading the Bible and praying about God's plan for our lives, but he also went a step further and gave 3 practical questions (borrowed from the book From Good to Great by Jim Collins) that can get you closer to seeing how God's plan for your life might look.

These questions are as follows:

1. What are you genetically gifted to be the best in the world at?
(Basically, you're good at this talent. Real Good!)

2. What are you most passionate about?
(He talked about the curse of competency that some of us have. We can do the task just fine, but we have no passion to do it.)

3. What skills or actions bring in the greatest revenue or fruitfulness?
(This is the practical component of God's plan for your life. You are going to need revenue; you are going to feel the blessings from fruitfulness.)

The next step is to answer these 3 questions and look for the places where the answers overlap. This is kind of your "God idea" for life. You hopefully can see some common or compatible answers that include your gifts, talents, and passions.

I wrote in my journal for a bit this afternoon and answered the questions. I was surprised to see that the things I am good at are not necessarily things I am passionate about. Likewise, the things I am passionate about are not necessarily the things that are fruitful or bring in revenue for me. Nonetheless, there were some common, overlapping factors that I think have me pointed in a good direction. I am encouraged.


And then I saw these ducks.

Can you believe this is a real place not a mile from where I live?