Why I Have 3 Jobs

My friends and family know that I am incredibly task-driven and often bite off more than I can chew. This has never been more true in my life than right now.

In August of 2013, I took a job at a small private  charter school working as a kindergarten paraprofessional. The job offer was timely and I needed the security of benefits and employment before Rob and said our "I do's" a few weeks later.

I have been at this full-time job for 2 years now and have learned a ton. I have also discovered that although I can work with younger students, it's not where my natural talents or passions find their home. I miss working with the slightly older, more independent students. Younger students have a lot of needs that they need to tell you about. Each minute of each day was filled with students' needs. After two years of this, I am pretty exhausted.

Furthermore, while the benefits were good, the pay was pretty low--$20,000 a year to be exact. I know that most people with a masters degree would never dream of taking a job for this salary. In fact, I could have this exact same job with only 2 years of post-secondary education; I have 7. So it's been a pretty humbling and tiring two years.

As a result, I have sought out opportunities that are more directly related to my career and can also help supplement my income. For awhile, I was trying to get into the admissions department at a university. To work toward this goal (and also compensate for my dismal salary), I started working in our apartment complex as a leasing agent every other week-end. This job involves a lot of customer service  and administrative skills. I was hoping that this experience would make me more marketable for admissions' jobs. Per hour at this office job, I make about what I made working at Caribou Coffee.

To help me get my fill of teaching and continue working toward my goal of teaching post-secondary students, I took an online teaching job with a non-profit company. When I started with this company, I was their first employee. I had hopes of helping develop the curriculum and teaching standards for this company. That dream was quickly shot down by another founder of the company who did not want to include curriculum in our teaching. I have been teaching now with this company for about 1 year, and I realize that it is a lot of work without really providing any promise of being more than what it is-- passive income for my employers while I am busting my butt every week for an addition $200-$300 a month.

I feel that my friends are often frustrated that I am constantly so busy with my multiple jobs. I understand their frustration, but I also know that they all make incomes that support them. It is easy to judge people and make assumptions; it's much more difficult to try and understand why people might be making the choices they are. Working three jobs, at about 50 hours a week, I am making about $25,000 a year before taxes. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am seeking opportunities to work smarter, not harder, but I am coming up with nothing.

And I know that even though I often feel alone in this frustration, I am not alone. I know that many people are in the same situation: underemployed with talents and gifts that lay dormant. What is your career story?

Trying to Chill Out. . .

This past week, I had a moment where I felt completely overwhelmed. A friend texted me out of the blue and wanted to get together. At the same time, I was really wanting to call another dear, close friend of mine whom I hadn't spoken to in over a month. The number of people I felt I needed to connect with along with the other life tasks I needed to take care of was dizzying.

I had to step back and tell myself to chill out. Usually when I get to this point teetering between feeling self-sufficient and wanting to run away from the world,  I make poor choices and jump into everything telling myself "I can do it, and I MUST do it." I am embarrassed to say that I even get to a point where sometimes I think my friends need me. Do you hear the absurdness of this? I am thinking of myself as some type of savior for my friends? And let me be clear--we do need and were made for friendship, but the thought that my friend needs me specifically is incorrect. What can I give to my friends especially if I have already reached empty for the day? How much better to trust God in these moments and ask him to provide for this friend even if I can't be all the friend I want to be. I do believe that God can and does provide; why do I think I need to help him out? This is a hard lesson for me to get; I have been working on it now for about 10 years.

This past holiday season, I was blessed to meet up with some dear friends from when I lived in China. They asked me if I was still struggling with being overly busy. I responded somewhat surprised, "What--was I going through that in China too? That was nearly 7 years ago? I thought this overly busy stuff was a recent struggle for me." It turns out it's not. It's my default. It's what I thought God wanted for me, and I am confident that not all the busyness was in vain.  But so much of the busyness has been a working out of my salvation, a looking for divine purpose in different friendships and through different activities. However, an overwhelmed, anxious spirit is not what the Father is asking of me, and quite frankly, I'm beat, exhausted from years of this striving.

I can't meet with all the friends I would like to. So far this week-end, I have met with one friend. It's a new record for me. And instead of feeling overwhelmed, I have tried to just chill out a bit, so very aware of my limits and the need for putting my own worth back into perspective.

A little struggle I call OCT (Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies)

This past week and a half, I have been extremely motivated to complete an application for Teach 4 America. After nearly applying to teach with them over three years ago when I first got back to China, I felt the nudge to apply with them again.

So for the past 2 weeks, I have been researching and writing, and reflecting to complete my application. Although the application is not due until this Friday, I had made a goal for myself to finish it by last week-end to save my own sanity and allow me some time to rest this week. Now that the application is completed and submitted though, I am having some second doubts. "Did I write a coherent answer for that specific question on my application? Did I include enough about my experiences teaching in China? Was I consistent between my resume and the drop-down boxes that reflected each component of my resume?" And so on these worries go. Usually, I am pretty thorough with forms and applications. But sometimes, I just want to be done.

However, now that the application is submitted, and I won't find out about it for another 2 weeks, I am starting to worry.

It is in these moments that I am keenly aware that I have some mild obsessive compulsive tendencies. I first noticed these tendencies when I was in grade school. I didn't really know what I was experiencing at the time, but I did feel extreme paranoia about some relatively small things. For example, if I went to a store and picked up a toy to look at it and then put it back on the shelf, I would return to that shelf at least 2 times to make sure that I had placed the toy correctly on the shelf instead of placing it near the edge where the toy might fall off and shatter. I also checked light switches several times to make sure I had turned them off. As I got older, I started to obsess about conversations I would have with my friends on the phone. If a girlfriend did not say good-bye to me in what I considered a friendly way, I would either obsess about it or call her back and ask if everything was okay with her or if she was upset with me.

When I played basketball, I used to replay every bad pass, turnover, missed shot, and literally beat myself up over it. I wrote poems to deal with my guilt of playing a bad game. As I got older, the obsession moved to different areas of my life. . . superstitiously painting my nails, keeping a detailed journal of what I ate and recording my weight every morning and evening, obsessively running everyday, re-reading over emails three or four times before sending.

And now still, sometimes these tendencies creeps in. No doubt Rob has seen it manifest itself almost every time we leave the house.  And one of the only ways I have successfully been able to deal with these obsessive tendencies is to stay busy. Whenever I start to get obsessive about a conversation or an unanswered email, I have to get moving.  I call someone or go somewhere.  I fill my plate with activity because in doing more activity, I obsess less. This is probably one of the reasons that I often hold multiple jobs --it keeps me from having too much time to fill with obsessive thoughts.

So in those slower summer months, or during those winter breaks, there is a battle going on in my mind, and I struggle.

Whenever I want something really bad, like this Teach 4 America opportunity, I struggle.

While I was dating Rob, I struggled. Even though he gave me so much affirmation and reminded me often that he wanted to be with me, in my head, I only worried that somehow, someway, I would mess it up. I would put that toy too close to the edge. I would have a turnover. I would lose control of my weight.

So now with my current worry, I am trying to see my hasty submission as a sign of growth. It is okay not to check a document three times before uploading it. It is okay to answer the question one time and move on.

Ultimately, the result of this application is not in my control; it is in God's hands. I am trying to let go of worrying about it and trust that God has good plans for my future. But as this blogpost reflects, I am still struggling with letting go and trusting Him.

Life with Kindergarteners

This year, we have a new batch of Kindergarten students. They are bright-eyed and only naughty occasionally, when they sense their teachers are having a moment of weakness.

The other day, we went to an apple orchard. It was a cute, enchanted little farm with big trees overhanging the windy driveway up to the main yard. Once there, we went on a big wagon ride pulled by a John Deere tractor. The driver let us all out in the middle of the apple orchard, and the students each got to pick two apples. Everyone happily ate their apples on the way back to the farm.

Once at the farm, the kids got to enjoy apple cider and a small donut. Finally, we ended the trip by visiting the orchard's petting zoo. While we were walking to see the animals, it started to drizzle. Everyone was quite wet, but that did not stop the kids.  They were so excited that they ran at the animals screaming. This in turn, caused the animals to run away. It was quite the zoo!

This week, I have a growing love for some of the students. At first, they all felt like strangers in our Kindergarten room. Now, they feel like family.

Even though I am not working at my "dream job," I am trying to see every day as a gift, and each interaction with the students as significant.  I am more laid back than I was last year. I know how to find my zen in the midst of screaming, yelling, pulling on my arm students. I am more obvious with them too. "You are yelling, and it is stressing me out" I've had to say a couple of times to one particular student. She gets it and quickly adjusts her volume.

Today, a little boy came to show me his Math paper before putting it in his cubby.
I looked at his paper and said to him, "You need to circle something in this row of 8's."
He scrunched up his nose at me and responded, "You don't know everything."
It was precious; I laughed out loud.
He smiled. "Your silly," he said.

Everything is a game when you are 5. The quiet game, the smiling game, the getting in line fast game, the win a blue ticket game. Life is one big game, and the players could't be more excited even if the prize is a high five from your teacher.

Yes, my fondness is growing for these students. I want them to do well. I want them to succeed in life. I want to do my best to help them become their best.  If I can play some role in where they are heading, who they are becoming, I will feel it matters. It is significant. I am significant.