Tuesday, December 22, 2015

A Letter to My Dear Friends

Dear friends and family,

Thank you so much for all the support, encouragement, and prayers you have given me over this past week. I was doing an okay job keeping the pregnancy emotions all in check, but last week-end, an incident happened that triggered an entire bag of compulsive thoughts, insecurities, and anxieties.

To say that I cried a few times in this past week would be an understatement. There were big nose-blowing sobs on several occasions and other small tears while driving in the car. There were nights of rough sleep, and I even had to go home early from work one day because I felt sick to my stomach (probably distressed from the lack of sleep and loss of appetite).

But, I think that the trigger event was part of a much bigger fear, anxiety, and desire for control that I am becoming aware of as Rob and are about to become parents for the first time. I worry that any poor decisions I will inevitably make might hurt little T in some way. I worry that I won’t be able to protect him all the time. I worry that I will mess up and mess him up in the process. I worry about his safety-- both inside the womb and even more so once he's born. 

I can't comprehend this delicate situation we are entering into as parents. I feel vulnerable like my heart could break at any moment, and I don't feel emotionally strong enough to handle it. I do not consider myself an emotionally strong person; I purposely stay away from things that pull too hard on my heart strings. And yet, here we stand ready to have our lives changed forever by this little helpless human-being that God is entrusting to us. 

Time seems to be standing still and propelling forward at the same time. With each back ache and cramp, I think of all the things I need to finish before he arrives, and yet there's little I want to do except rub my belly and look forward to his arrival. I also have no desire to go out especially in the evenings. I treasure the precious few nights that Rob and I have left to just be at home together.  

Thank you again for all the encouragement you have all been through this emotional, roller-coaster of a ride. 

Stay tuned, 



Rachel said...

Portia, first let me give you a hug. I feel you. (I'm sure you read my email -- I was extremely depressed last year coping with the reality that my kids breathe toxic air every day.)

I believe that through this new experience parenting, God is generously offering you an opportunity to reach greater depths of trust in Him. It's wonderful, really.

Love you, Rach

Rachel said...

oh hi again...
later on I read this post by my friend Andrea who lives in Montenegro. I thought you might like to read it too.