Saturday, March 07, 2015

Trying to Chill Out. . .

This past week, I had a moment where I felt completely overwhelmed. A friend texted me out of the blue and wanted to get together. At the same time, I was really wanting to call another dear, close friend of mine whom I hadn't spoken to in over a month. The number of people I felt I needed to connect with along with the other life tasks I needed to take care of was dizzying.

I had to step back and tell myself to chill out. Usually when I get to this point teetering between feeling self-sufficient and wanting to run away from the world,  I make poor choices and jump into everything telling myself "I can do it, and I MUST do it." I am embarrassed to say that I even get to a point where sometimes I think my friends need me. Do you hear the absurdness of this? I am thinking of myself as some type of savior for my friends? And let me be clear--we do need and were made for friendship, but the thought that my friend needs me specifically is incorrect. What can I give to my friends especially if I have already reached empty for the day? How much better to trust God in these moments and ask him to provide for this friend even if I can't be all the friend I want to be. I do believe that God can and does provide; why do I think I need to help him out? This is a hard lesson for me to get; I have been working on it now for about 10 years.

This past holiday season, I was blessed to meet up with some dear friends from when I lived in China. They asked me if I was still struggling with being overly busy. I responded somewhat surprised, "What--was I going through that in China too? That was nearly 7 years ago? I thought this overly busy stuff was a recent struggle for me." It turns out it's not. It's my default. It's what I thought God wanted for me, and I am confident that not all the busyness was in vain.  But so much of the busyness has been a working out of my salvation, a looking for divine purpose in different friendships and through different activities. However, an overwhelmed, anxious spirit is not what the Father is asking of me, and quite frankly, I'm beat, exhausted from years of this striving.

I can't meet with all the friends I would like to. So far this week-end, I have met with one friend. It's a new record for me. And instead of feeling overwhelmed, I have tried to just chill out a bit, so very aware of my limits and the need for putting my own worth back into perspective.


Gleam said...

I do need you and you helped me a lot, lots of love,care and advice, patience, and support! You have done a great job to me!

And maybe try to prioritize of your tasks a little bit? Sometimes I feel the same, you will feel that more when you have kids!

Portia said...
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Portia said...

You are so sweet. I agree with you on trying to prioritize better. Yes, I can imagine I will only get busier with kids someday.