I am still working on this whole confidence thing. It's pretty challenging for me. I feel like I consistently need a pep talk. Or I need to own a book that reminds me of how it looks to be a confident person so I can consult it whenever I start second guessing myself.
This week, I have noticed two areas for growth that prevent me from coming across as confident.
First off, I am indecisive. I change my mind faster than you can say, "Are you sure?" No, no I am not sure. Why are you asking? I feel as though I have seldom been sure about anything in my life: I changed my major three times before graduating; I transferred universities; and I started a program to get my licensure in Special Education only to quit taking classes 2 different semesters.
I struggle with making decisions, both big and small. The other day, Rob asked me what I had in mind for my Birthday. "A nice dinner with you sounds lovely. No wait. I want to hang out with my friend and her kiddos and my other friend that I am sure will want to celebrate with us too. Maybe we can meet them at Applebee's. No, that's so impersonal. How about we invite them over for Papa Murphy's pizza." This banter went on for about an hour until exhaustion set in, and I decided to stick with my original plan.
Part of the reason I struggle with indecision is because I always want to make "the Best" decision as though such a thing even existed; I don't think it does. No matter what I decide, there are going to be some good and bad things about it. In fact, I do really want to hang out with my friends. But hosting on my Birthday sounds tiring. So, I plan to invite them over another evening. Whoofta-- one decision made, only about 20 million to go.
Another area of opportunity for me is the ability to say "no" to people without feeling guilty. The other day, my friend was planning to come over and observe me teach online classes. No problem. However, she told me that our boss would be coming over to observe me teach as well. Excuse me, was someone going to verify that this was okay with me first? My boss did email me a day before to see if I was okay with it. I told her it was a little overwhelming for me to have two people observing me, and it would likely be overwhelming for the students too who have never had anyone observe our classes before let alone two people. So I said no and suggested an alternate time for her to observe class. No big deal, right? But for some reason, I feel like I should apologize for not letting her observe me teach class. Did I do anything wrong in this situation? No, I didn't. I said no and established some boundaries. So why do I feel guilty? I think it might have something to do with my people pleasing nature. I so need to get over that!
In going forward, I have a couple of action plans to work on these two growth opportunities. First, I want to practice being decisive with the small things like what we're having for dinner, what to wear, what movie to watch, and so on. These decisions are not deal breakers. If I can practice the art of being decisive in small ways, I think it will help me to be more decisive with big decisions.
Another way to help with making big decisions is I am going to prolong voicing or coming to a final decision until I have fully played out both decisions in my mind. Sometimes I feel rushed to have answers for people (people-pleasing at its best) so I force myself to make a decision too quickly. However, big decisions usually don't directly affect the people I am talking to about them, so it's not always necessary for them to know which way I am leaning.
In saying no to people, I am going to fully embrace that other people's happiness or sense of worth does not depend on me. I cannot make people happy. Repeat: I cannot make people happy. Saying no to people can be a sign of intentionality and maturity in one's life. Maybe I am saying no to certain things because I want to pour more into my role as a wife. Or, I want to spend the extra time to regain energy so I might be more Christ-like at work. I want to say no with more confidence knowing that I never mean to hurt anyone, but simply that saying no is sometimes necessary and good.
What are some ways you have discovered to help you say no to opportunities and be more decisive when making decisions?
Showing posts with label worry obsessive compulsive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry obsessive compulsive. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Monday, October 20, 2014
A little struggle I call OCT (Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies)
This past week and a half, I have been extremely motivated to complete an application for Teach 4 America. After nearly applying to teach with them over three years ago when I first got back to China, I felt the nudge to apply with them again.
So for the past 2 weeks, I have been researching and writing, and reflecting to complete my application. Although the application is not due until this Friday, I had made a goal for myself to finish it by last week-end to save my own sanity and allow me some time to rest this week. Now that the application is completed and submitted though, I am having some second doubts. "Did I write a coherent answer for that specific question on my application? Did I include enough about my experiences teaching in China? Was I consistent between my resume and the drop-down boxes that reflected each component of my resume?" And so on these worries go. Usually, I am pretty thorough with forms and applications. But sometimes, I just want to be done.
However, now that the application is submitted, and I won't find out about it for another 2 weeks, I am starting to worry.
It is in these moments that I am keenly aware that I have some mild obsessive compulsive tendencies. I first noticed these tendencies when I was in grade school. I didn't really know what I was experiencing at the time, but I did feel extreme paranoia about some relatively small things. For example, if I went to a store and picked up a toy to look at it and then put it back on the shelf, I would return to that shelf at least 2 times to make sure that I had placed the toy correctly on the shelf instead of placing it near the edge where the toy might fall off and shatter. I also checked light switches several times to make sure I had turned them off. As I got older, I started to obsess about conversations I would have with my friends on the phone. If a girlfriend did not say good-bye to me in what I considered a friendly way, I would either obsess about it or call her back and ask if everything was okay with her or if she was upset with me.
When I played basketball, I used to replay every bad pass, turnover, missed shot, and literally beat myself up over it. I wrote poems to deal with my guilt of playing a bad game. As I got older, the obsession moved to different areas of my life. . . superstitiously painting my nails, keeping a detailed journal of what I ate and recording my weight every morning and evening, obsessively running everyday, re-reading over emails three or four times before sending.
And now still, sometimes these tendencies creeps in. No doubt Rob has seen it manifest itself almost every time we leave the house. And one of the only ways I have successfully been able to deal with these obsessive tendencies is to stay busy. Whenever I start to get obsessive about a conversation or an unanswered email, I have to get moving. I call someone or go somewhere. I fill my plate with activity because in doing more activity, I obsess less. This is probably one of the reasons that I often hold multiple jobs --it keeps me from having too much time to fill with obsessive thoughts.
So in those slower summer months, or during those winter breaks, there is a battle going on in my mind, and I struggle.
Whenever I want something really bad, like this Teach 4 America opportunity, I struggle.
While I was dating Rob, I struggled. Even though he gave me so much affirmation and reminded me often that he wanted to be with me, in my head, I only worried that somehow, someway, I would mess it up. I would put that toy too close to the edge. I would have a turnover. I would lose control of my weight.
So now with my current worry, I am trying to see my hasty submission as a sign of growth. It is okay not to check a document three times before uploading it. It is okay to answer the question one time and move on.
Ultimately, the result of this application is not in my control; it is in God's hands. I am trying to let go of worrying about it and trust that God has good plans for my future. But as this blogpost reflects, I am still struggling with letting go and trusting Him.
So for the past 2 weeks, I have been researching and writing, and reflecting to complete my application. Although the application is not due until this Friday, I had made a goal for myself to finish it by last week-end to save my own sanity and allow me some time to rest this week. Now that the application is completed and submitted though, I am having some second doubts. "Did I write a coherent answer for that specific question on my application? Did I include enough about my experiences teaching in China? Was I consistent between my resume and the drop-down boxes that reflected each component of my resume?" And so on these worries go. Usually, I am pretty thorough with forms and applications. But sometimes, I just want to be done.
However, now that the application is submitted, and I won't find out about it for another 2 weeks, I am starting to worry.
It is in these moments that I am keenly aware that I have some mild obsessive compulsive tendencies. I first noticed these tendencies when I was in grade school. I didn't really know what I was experiencing at the time, but I did feel extreme paranoia about some relatively small things. For example, if I went to a store and picked up a toy to look at it and then put it back on the shelf, I would return to that shelf at least 2 times to make sure that I had placed the toy correctly on the shelf instead of placing it near the edge where the toy might fall off and shatter. I also checked light switches several times to make sure I had turned them off. As I got older, I started to obsess about conversations I would have with my friends on the phone. If a girlfriend did not say good-bye to me in what I considered a friendly way, I would either obsess about it or call her back and ask if everything was okay with her or if she was upset with me.
When I played basketball, I used to replay every bad pass, turnover, missed shot, and literally beat myself up over it. I wrote poems to deal with my guilt of playing a bad game. As I got older, the obsession moved to different areas of my life. . . superstitiously painting my nails, keeping a detailed journal of what I ate and recording my weight every morning and evening, obsessively running everyday, re-reading over emails three or four times before sending.
And now still, sometimes these tendencies creeps in. No doubt Rob has seen it manifest itself almost every time we leave the house. And one of the only ways I have successfully been able to deal with these obsessive tendencies is to stay busy. Whenever I start to get obsessive about a conversation or an unanswered email, I have to get moving. I call someone or go somewhere. I fill my plate with activity because in doing more activity, I obsess less. This is probably one of the reasons that I often hold multiple jobs --it keeps me from having too much time to fill with obsessive thoughts.
So in those slower summer months, or during those winter breaks, there is a battle going on in my mind, and I struggle.
Whenever I want something really bad, like this Teach 4 America opportunity, I struggle.
While I was dating Rob, I struggled. Even though he gave me so much affirmation and reminded me often that he wanted to be with me, in my head, I only worried that somehow, someway, I would mess it up. I would put that toy too close to the edge. I would have a turnover. I would lose control of my weight.
So now with my current worry, I am trying to see my hasty submission as a sign of growth. It is okay not to check a document three times before uploading it. It is okay to answer the question one time and move on.
Ultimately, the result of this application is not in my control; it is in God's hands. I am trying to let go of worrying about it and trust that God has good plans for my future. But as this blogpost reflects, I am still struggling with letting go and trusting Him.
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