Being Decisive and Saying No

I am still working on this whole confidence thing. It's pretty challenging for me. I feel like I consistently need a pep talk. Or I need to own a book that reminds me of how it looks to be a confident person so I can consult it whenever I start second guessing myself.

This week, I have noticed two areas for growth that prevent me from coming across as confident.
First off, I am indecisive. I change my mind faster than you can say, "Are you sure?" No, no I am not sure. Why are you asking? I feel as though I have seldom been sure about anything in my life: I changed my major three times before graduating; I transferred universities; and I started a program to get my licensure in Special Education only to quit taking classes 2 different semesters.

I struggle with making decisions, both big and small. The other day, Rob asked me what I had in mind for my Birthday. "A nice dinner with you sounds lovely. No wait. I want to hang out with my friend and her kiddos and my other friend that I am sure will want to celebrate with us too. Maybe we can meet them at Applebee's. No, that's so impersonal. How about we invite them over for Papa Murphy's pizza." This banter went on for about an hour until exhaustion set in, and I decided to stick with my original plan.

Part of the reason I struggle with indecision is because I always want to make "the Best" decision as though such a thing even existed; I don't think it does. No matter what I decide, there are going to be some good and bad things about it. In fact, I do really want to hang out with my friends. But hosting on my Birthday sounds tiring. So, I plan to invite them over another evening. Whoofta-- one decision made, only about 20 million to go.

Another area of opportunity for me is the ability to say "no" to people without feeling guilty. The other day, my friend was planning to come over and observe me teach online classes. No problem. However, she told me that our boss would be coming over to observe me teach as well. Excuse me, was someone going to verify that this was okay with me first? My boss did email me a day before to see if I was okay with it. I told her it was a little overwhelming for me to have two people observing me, and it would likely be overwhelming for the students too who have never had anyone observe our classes before let alone two people. So I said no and suggested an alternate time for her to observe class. No big deal, right? But for some reason, I feel like I should apologize for not letting her observe me teach class. Did I do anything wrong in this situation? No, I didn't. I said no and established some boundaries. So why do I feel guilty? I think it might have something to do with my people pleasing nature. I so need to get over that!

In going forward, I have a couple of action plans to work on these two growth opportunities. First, I want to practice being decisive with the small things like what we're having for dinner, what to wear, what movie to watch, and so on. These decisions are not deal breakers. If I can practice the art of being decisive in small ways, I think it will help me to be more decisive with big decisions.

Another way to help with making big decisions is I am going to prolong voicing or coming to a final decision until I have fully played out both decisions in my mind. Sometimes I feel rushed to have answers for people (people-pleasing at its best) so I force myself to make a decision too quickly. However, big decisions usually don't directly affect the people I am talking to about them, so it's not always necessary for them to know which way I am leaning.

In saying no to people, I am going to fully embrace that other people's happiness or sense of worth does not depend on me. I cannot make people happy. Repeat: I cannot make people happy. Saying no to people can be a sign of intentionality and maturity in one's life. Maybe I am saying no to certain things because I want to pour more into my role as a wife. Or, I want to spend the extra time to regain energy so I might be more Christ-like at work. I want to say no with more confidence knowing that I never mean to hurt anyone, but simply that saying no is sometimes necessary and good.

What are some ways you have discovered to help you say no to opportunities and be more decisive when making decisions?

On Being CONFIDENT, part 3

I am continuing to fight the battle of staying confident. I find that it's more difficult to do so when I am tired. Take today for example, sitting in a neon lit-office working as a leasing agent for our apartment complex. The office thermostat shows that it is only 66 degrees. My toes are tingly, and my nose is running. I'm fighting off a head-ache and looking forward to the days of financial freedom when one job will be enough.

 However, here I sit. The phone rings--someone wants to drop off something for someone. From my training manual I remember reading that we don't do third party pick-ups. That's what this situation is, right? The man is distraught and simply wants to drop off his ex's things without seeing her. I tell him I'm sorry, but we can't help him. After getting off the phone, I call my boss. She tells me that third party pick-ups does not mean third party drop-offs. It turns out we could have let him drop the things off here all along.

 And then, my thoughts . .
                                     spiral into the . .
                                                            negative abyss.

 "What if I caused this man such emotional trauma that he takes his own life?"
"What if I am fired from this position? What if the tenant comes and chews me out for not letting her ex  drop something off?"  And so on and so forth.

 But I am fighting to replace this onslaught of negative thoughts with positive ones.
 So here they are:
 "The man worked out a solution on his own that didn't involve us. That is a good thing."
 "The man did not want to send the package in the mail because of the postage cost which means he is clearly thinking about the future, which means he is not thinking about taking his own life."
 "The tenant and the man may be upset with me; it's okay. I am okay. I can take their displaced anger with a smile and tingly toes."

 My friend reminded me of this verse from Philippians 4:8 this week: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." It does NOT say, "Brothers and sisters, whatever causes you anxiety, whatever is unlovely, whatever is unforgiveable-- if anything is disturbing or life-sucking-- think about such things." No-- if I am thinking about such things, I am not living life in the Spirit. I am stealing from myself the joy that God desires me to have. So, I sit here, trying to fill my mind with true and admirable things-- excellent and praiseworthy things. I am not perfect; the mistakes will keep coming. But I climb out and look upward beyond myself.

On Being CONFIDENT, Part 2

In the book The Confident Code, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman give some helpful tips on how to move from second-guessing yourself to living a more confident life. They point out that we as women often personalize things and think people are paying more attention to us than they really are.  I could completely relate to this feeling, and I liked how they suggested to move beyond it: by replacing negative thoughts or what the authors call NAT's (negative automatic thoughts) with positive ones. So for example, if I feel a weird vibe from a colleague of mine, instead of saying "I wonder if she is upset I did not volunteer to help with the after school project," I could think "She must be stressed out about work and feeling overwhelmed."

I have practiced replacing the NAT's this week with positive ones. It has looked something like this:

* When I did not hear back from a friend after texting her, instead of thinking "She must be upset I did not get her a Christmas present or at least bring a bottle of wine, I thought "She must have been in the middle of something when I texted; I'm sure it's not personal."

* When someone did not seem overly joyed about a Christmas present I gave them, instead of thinking "Why didn't I get her something more thoughtful, more sentimental," I thought "That's a useful gift for her, and if not, she can always regift it."

*When a student asked for the other teacher to pour her milk instead of me, instead of thinking "The students hate me," I thought "Students are funny; on any given day, another student has also  specifically asked for my help on something."

This exercise in replacing my NAT's with positive thoughts has been extremely helpful.  The thing about negative thoughts is that they are all about us, completely self-centered. Moving away from these negative thoughts actually helps you create a more realistic, healthy view of the world. Life feels more manageable, and we feel a lot more joy. Continuing to replace negative thoughts with positive ones is part of my confident move for this week, this year, and hopefully for life.

How have you dealt with your NAT's (negative automatic thoughts)? I am still learning, and there is lots to glean from others on this topic.

On Being CONFIDENT, part 1

In my last post, I explained my bold moves of confidence for 2015. Today, I got to practice some of those confidence moves, and can I just say, taking small steps is incredibly empowering.

The first step that I took was I attended a small group meeting at the church where we have been attending. Since we are new to the church, I felt a bit intimidated. But I made sure not to hold back. When that internal voice started to whisper to me that I was new and should probably just keep quiet and be an observer, I silenced it by speaking up and sharing in the group. When they offered to pray for people, I volunteered to receive prayer. I moved from inaction to action, and I did not let my insecurities get in the way.

The result? I received amazing words of encouragement from being prayed for and am entering the beginning stages of friendship with a few ladies in the group. God is amazing! He does not want us to be perfect. He wants us to be brave and trust that he can work through us. I am starting to see confidence as having two sides to it: God can and does use me, but he also desires that I take action. At the same time that He desires I take action, He gives me the power and strength I need to do it. In other words, he desires action for us and simultaneously equips us for it.

The second way I took a risk today happened at Goodwill. I headed there to get a refund for being overcharged the other day. Please do not judge me for asking for a refund from Goodwill. The principle of the matter was not the money-- it was the investment of time I had spent at Goodwill deliberating over 5 sweaters that were all calling my name. I finally pared it down to 3 sweaters, paid the bill and left. When I got home, I looked over the receipt to discover I had been charged for 4 sweaters. I maybe wouldn't have been so upset had I not already spent 20 minutes in the store narrowing down my final purchase to only 3 sweaters. When I returned to Goodwill today with my receipt, 2 days after the purchase, I did not expect there would be any problem. I was pretty floored when the manager told me there was nothing they could do since the transaction had happened 2 days ago. What? I left the store feeling upset. And then I remembered some helpful advice from a bargaining guru (check out the video below), and I returned into the store prepared to be a bit more firm in my request.

After I entered the store, I went right up to the manager and explained my story and how I was so upset because I had spent a long time in Goodwill narrowing down my choice. I explained how there were in fact 5 sweaters I wanted to buy that day, but after spending 20 minutes deliberating, I settled on 3. I also explained that I really liked Goodwill and wanted to continue giving them my business, but I was just so frustrated with this experience. I then made an offer, (as she suggests in the video)-- "I don't even need a refund; I will take store credit." At this point, the manager could see that I was pretty upset (and perhaps a little crazy) and said it was just fine if I wanted to go pick out another sweater. I thanked her profusely and 20 minutes later, I had a sweater in hand that I liked.  I will definitely be wearing this sweater, and it will serve as a reminder to me that I need to continue taking risks and being confident in 2015. 

Have you taken a bold risk or made a confidence move? I would love to hear about it in the comments below.

CONFIDENCE & Other Thoughts

I recently checked out a book from the library titled "The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance -- What Women Should Know" by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. This book has been so eye-opening in identifying and labeling some of the destructive habits that we as women have fallen into: "Women spend far too much time undermining themselves with tortured cycles of useless self-recrimination. It is the opposite of taking action, that cornerstone of confidence. There is a formal word for it: ruminating. We do a lot more ruminating than men, and we have to get out of our heads if we want to build confidence" (Kay & Shipman, 104).

Ruminating, the art of worrying about things you cannot change. Ruminating particularly finds a home in my mind around Christmas time-- I second guess the gifts I bought my family, and the gifts I wasn't able to afford for my friends. I beat myself up for not printing more Christmas photos or sending Christmas cards.I worry that people are dissatisfied with their gift or think I spent too much or too little.  But ruminating is useless-- it does not actually move you from your place of insecurity but digs you deeper into it. It does not inspire; it inhibits future action, and it encourages self-pity and self-doubt.

The authors of this book go on to say that this epidemic overflows into our personal lives too: " How often have you mentally picked away at relationships with friends or a partner, undermining something that was actually perfectly solid? Or spent too many hours second-guessing a decision as simple as whether to get a new haircut?" (Kay & Shipman, 106).  Can I get an Amen?

I can completely relate to this book, and if it did not belong to the library, I would have highlighted entire pages in yellow. Part of the fight in overcoming a lack of confidence, according to Kay and Shipman, is to move from inaction to action.  To speak up. To take risks without knowing exactly what the outcome will be. This single movement from deliberation to action, from ruminating to moving forward can be learned, can be practiced.

And so I must urgently practice action as well in taking bold, confident steps.
 My moves of confidence for this coming year are two-fold: 

Number one- Stop apologizing for things and asking if I did something wrong. Making mistakes is part of the human experience. Rubbing my nose in my mistakes is not. Of  course mistakes will happen, but the ruminating has got to stop.

Number two- Take some crazy risks and push myself beyond my realm of comfort. I have severely limited myself because I have wanted the security and stability of a full-time job. While this is well and good and Dave Ramsey approved, the job itself has taken up a lot of energy, thereby eating up time that might otherwise be spent free-lance writing, consulting, and tutoring.

What are your bold moves of confidence in 2015?