I am continuing to fight the battle of staying confident. I find that it's more difficult to do so when I am tired. Take today for example, sitting in a neon lit-office working as a leasing agent for our apartment complex. The office thermostat shows that it is only 66 degrees. My toes are tingly, and my nose is running. I'm fighting off a head-ache and looking forward to the days of financial freedom when one job will be enough.
However, here I sit. The phone rings--someone wants to drop off something for someone. From my training manual I remember reading that we don't do third party pick-ups. That's what this situation is, right? The man is distraught and simply wants to drop off his ex's things without seeing her. I tell him I'm sorry, but we can't help him. After getting off the phone, I call my boss. She tells me that third party pick-ups does not mean third party drop-offs. It turns out we could have let him drop the things off here all along.
And then, my thoughts . .
spiral into the . .
"What if I caused this man such emotional trauma that he takes his own life?"
"What if I am fired from this position? What if the tenant comes and chews me out for not letting her ex drop something off?" And so on and so forth.
But I am fighting to replace this onslaught of negative thoughts with positive ones.
So here they are:
"The man worked out a solution on his own that didn't involve us. That is a good thing."
"The man did not want to send the package in the mail because of the postage cost which means he is clearly thinking about the future, which means he is not thinking about taking his own life."
"The tenant and the man may be upset with me; it's okay. I am okay. I can take their displaced anger with a smile and tingly toes."
My friend reminded me of this verse from Philippians 4:8 this week: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." It does NOT say, "Brothers and sisters, whatever causes you anxiety, whatever is unlovely, whatever is unforgiveable-- if anything is disturbing or life-sucking-- think about such things." No-- if I am thinking about such things, I am not living life in the Spirit. I am stealing from myself the joy that God desires me to have. So, I sit here, trying to fill my mind with true and admirable things-- excellent and praiseworthy things. I am not perfect; the mistakes will keep coming. But I climb out and look upward beyond myself.