Sometimes, I expect God to reveal Himself to me in how he provides for me or answers my prayers. On occassion, God does reveal Himself that way. But so many other times, he choses not to answer my prayers by giving me what I want -- instead, he meets me in my struggling, doubting self that asks “Why not? What else do you have for me? I don’t know where you are taking me, and I am tired of searching for it.”
If God were only a god who gave us what we want, then He would not be very powerful, sovereign, or righteous. The Lord only knows how many times I have asked for things that would be crippling, toxic, and ultimately lead me away from Him. He knows when and how to answer our prayers and that reveals His sovereignty, His grace, His protection.
The truth is my priorities are not always in line with God’s will for my life. But often times, I do not realize this in time from being spared the heart-ache of God telling me No. I assume that if God is living in me, then any desire or dream I have must be from Him. And maybe, sometimes it is. But my fleshly self has its way of lurking around the corner of my mind, crowding in upon me, and subtley forcing its way into my thoughts and my ambitions. And I am left in the aftermath of disappointment.
But this is not a hopeless place to be. This is where God has me for now. He is not silent in His answers, even if I don’t like them. He is bringing my skewed priorities into the light, and there is clarity and a simplicity in that light. A getting back to the basics of seeking God in every moment and every decision.