A Letter to My Dear Friends

Dear friends and family,

Thank you so much for all the support, encouragement, and prayers you have given me over this past week. I was doing an okay job keeping the pregnancy emotions all in check, but last week-end, an incident happened that triggered an entire bag of compulsive thoughts, insecurities, and anxieties.

To say that I cried a few times in this past week would be an understatement. There were big nose-blowing sobs on several occasions and other small tears while driving in the car. There were nights of rough sleep, and I even had to go home early from work one day because I felt sick to my stomach (probably distressed from the lack of sleep and loss of appetite).

But, I think that the trigger event was part of a much bigger fear, anxiety, and desire for control that I am becoming aware of as Rob and are about to become parents for the first time. I worry that any poor decisions I will inevitably make might hurt little T in some way. I worry that I won’t be able to protect him all the time. I worry that I will mess up and mess him up in the process. I worry about his safety-- both inside the womb and even more so once he's born. 

I can't comprehend this delicate situation we are entering into as parents. I feel vulnerable like my heart could break at any moment, and I don't feel emotionally strong enough to handle it. I do not consider myself an emotionally strong person; I purposely stay away from things that pull too hard on my heart strings. And yet, here we stand ready to have our lives changed forever by this little helpless human-being that God is entrusting to us. 

Time seems to be standing still and propelling forward at the same time. With each back ache and cramp, I think of all the things I need to finish before he arrives, and yet there's little I want to do except rub my belly and look forward to his arrival. I also have no desire to go out especially in the evenings. I treasure the precious few nights that Rob and I have left to just be at home together.  

Thank you again for all the encouragement you have all been through this emotional, roller-coaster of a ride. 

Stay tuned, 

Portia 

On Being Intentional

This past month, I have felt really overwhelmed with life responsibilities and balancing friendships. I have had to take a good, hard look at all the friendships that I have been trying to juggle.  The reality is that I'm spread way too thin; I cannot possibly be a genuine, invested friend to half of the people that I want to be. That's hard for me to accept, but it's also the reality of the season I am in right now.

A couple of weeks ago in our couples' study, another girl was saying that she and her husband tried to "commit to six." In other words, in each season of life they would commit to six people who they were praying for and looking for ways to bless those six people. I thought that was a really great idea and in thinking through friendships and people in my life, it seems like a manageable one as well. Maybe I can't be a friend to all, but I can be committed to praying for the people who God has placed on my heart and in my life for this season.

I want and need close friends in my life, and I am in the process of narrowing down and being intentional with the people that God has placed in my life in this season. When I first started to think through my friendships, I felt an overwhelming responsibility to each one. But as I started to pray and think about how some relationships have ebbed and flowed, I realized that God is making some things clear to me in my friendships:
1. Whenever I feel a sense of guilt or duty in the friendship, I don't think God is calling me to that particular friendship in this season.
2. The Holy Spirit has been showing me the people he wants me to invest in and giving me a great desire to do so and a deep joy when I do.
3. The narrowing down is somewhat fluid as I seek him. I may think he is calling me to one person, but then realize He maybe was not. (It's a learning process, and I'm still learning.)
4. At least one of these friendships is a new one. (This may seem counter-intuitive as I've been feeling overwhelmed with existing friendships, but I also continue to feel God's hand on this friendship.)
5. Just because I am not feeling called to invest in someone does not mean I won't hang out with that friend. However, it does mean that I am not going to over schedule myself just so it happens.

The reason I am trying to be intentional in my friendships is because I want to make an impact in people's lives, and I want my friends to be an influence in my life as well. I've noticed that having lots of surface friendships doesn't really impact my life or theirs. We don't know each other well enough to speak truth or life into one another. We just meet and hang out occasionally. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but if those relationships take up the space and energy of going deep with a select few friends, then there is a problem. God created us as emotional, relational beings, and I want to be sure that I am not just idling my time away with surface friendships.

Socks or Symphony

Life is an endless tension between the mundane and the glamorous. 

It’s a Saturday evening, and the night sprawls before me like a blank canvas waiting to be painted. For simplicity’s sake, I have limited my choices to two possibilities: going to the Minnesota symphony with my friend at a discounted ticket price or going to the nearest retail store and buying socks. The romantic and adventurous side of me tells me that this is a no-brainer: “You will have an unforgetable night at the symphony with your dear friend” but the practical side of me shouts loudly from the soles of my feet: “Don’t forget about us and how uncomfortable it is when one toe sticks through.”  The Dave Ramsey voice inside my head also reminds me that “you need that symphony money for buying socks.” 

And so on this Saturday night, I chose a compromise of the two:  I convince a dear friend of mine to go sock shopping with me, and together we hit up the local retail store and do some sock shopping. It’s not exactly living it up on a Saturday night. It’s just living. It’s just doing life together. There’s nothing glamorous about buying socks. But life isn’t only composed of the glamorous. Most of the time, in fact, it’s just an accumulation of the ordinary and mundane.  

My friend and I talk, we browse, we compare sock prices and styles, and we limit our purchase to 3 pairs of socks each. This is life; this is the tension between living it up and just trying to make it through the month. We are constantly choosing between the two, and each circumstance may warrant a different choice. But on this evening, I am happy and content with my choice, and I have a hole-free pair of socks all picked out for church tomorrow. 

Trying to Chill Out. . .

This past week, I had a moment where I felt completely overwhelmed. A friend texted me out of the blue and wanted to get together. At the same time, I was really wanting to call another dear, close friend of mine whom I hadn't spoken to in over a month. The number of people I felt I needed to connect with along with the other life tasks I needed to take care of was dizzying.

I had to step back and tell myself to chill out. Usually when I get to this point teetering between feeling self-sufficient and wanting to run away from the world,  I make poor choices and jump into everything telling myself "I can do it, and I MUST do it." I am embarrassed to say that I even get to a point where sometimes I think my friends need me. Do you hear the absurdness of this? I am thinking of myself as some type of savior for my friends? And let me be clear--we do need and were made for friendship, but the thought that my friend needs me specifically is incorrect. What can I give to my friends especially if I have already reached empty for the day? How much better to trust God in these moments and ask him to provide for this friend even if I can't be all the friend I want to be. I do believe that God can and does provide; why do I think I need to help him out? This is a hard lesson for me to get; I have been working on it now for about 10 years.

This past holiday season, I was blessed to meet up with some dear friends from when I lived in China. They asked me if I was still struggling with being overly busy. I responded somewhat surprised, "What--was I going through that in China too? That was nearly 7 years ago? I thought this overly busy stuff was a recent struggle for me." It turns out it's not. It's my default. It's what I thought God wanted for me, and I am confident that not all the busyness was in vain.  But so much of the busyness has been a working out of my salvation, a looking for divine purpose in different friendships and through different activities. However, an overwhelmed, anxious spirit is not what the Father is asking of me, and quite frankly, I'm beat, exhausted from years of this striving.

I can't meet with all the friends I would like to. So far this week-end, I have met with one friend. It's a new record for me. And instead of feeling overwhelmed, I have tried to just chill out a bit, so very aware of my limits and the need for putting my own worth back into perspective.

Do you want to know a secret?

Do you want to know a secret? Since kindergarten, I have had an intense fear of being left out of groups. It started in Kindergarten when I was the only one in our group of friends not invited to my friend's house for her Birthday. I could not understand what was happening, and it felt like the rug had been pulled out from me. . . and I was 5.

This feeling has haunted me ever since. It has manifested itself in different ways, but it always follows a pattern. In the past, when I have been included in a group of 3 to 4 friends, after a period of a couple months, I will remove myself from the group creating distance with these friends. My rationale is, "if I walk away, it is on my terms. There is no rejection, there is no pain. You cannot reject me because I am willingly leaving before I am deemed not cool enough to be in this group."

This is basically what I did in college with a few girlfriends I had at the time. Although I did transfer colleges, I also emotionally severed ties.  I did the same thing again when I was training with other teachers in China. It is not that they did not want me in their group. The fact is, I distanced myself from them, preferring the company of the older retired teachers instead. In hindsight, how much of this was also simply a way to protect myself from the fear of rejection.

Now, I am in a group with 3 other girls. We meet every other week to pray and hold one another accountable. It has been life-giving, and deeply encouraging to my soul. At the same time, I feel scared. I know my tendency, and I feel ready to jump ship. At what point am I suddenly not invited to that party, that meeting?  And yet, I have stayed.  I have committed in my soul not to run away simply because I am scared.

I want to get to a point where this fear no longer haunts me. Where I can see friendship as God designed it to be. Where I am not accepted or rejected based on my wisdom or what I can bring to the table. But rather where I am accepted because He has called me "chosen," and He has called me "friend." I am not there yet, however, I am letting the work be done in me so that I can be there soon.

What fears do you struggle with in friendships? Has anyone else ever discarded good relationships out of fear?

So Now What?

Alright, I know my last post wasn't exactly the most uplifting. But, I am trying not to hang my head about my job situation. And just to clarify, although I feel like it is a depressing situation, I am not depressed. Big difference. I am still able to find joy in the day to day activities of life. I am blessed to have amazing friends, a loving husband, supportive parents, a safe place to call home. I am truly blessed. But I am still not content to stay here.

 In my quest to find out my career in life, I have started to read two books. The first one is START by Jon Acuff. The subtitle is Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average, Do Work that Matters. So I am trying to wake up early every morning to have quiet time and do a little bit of guided journaling about bridging the gap between my dreams and my reality.

 The second book I have started to read is called Strengthfinders. I know that I have strengths and that these are tied to what I enjoy and what career path I should be walking down.

I am also committed to blogging more. Not to see how many people comment or read my blog, but to keep myself accountable by sharing my journey with a few more people. I have also discovered that I am not alone and that some of my friends struggle with this same career thing. And finally, I have decided to blog more because I simply love to write. I love to see how clear my thoughts become when I put them to paper. I write because it helps me breath and taste life more fully.

So that's what I have decided to do to get unstuck. Wake up early, read more, write more, and pray continuously! I don't want to simply change jobs in hopes of discovering where I am going. I want to move with a clear purpose when God tells me "Now."

All Things New

Last night, I had the great fortune to go to a musical Easter performance by Northern Heights Lutheran Church called All Things New. Rob and I went with our Chinese friends. They loved it, and I got chills listening to the music. It was a powerful retelling of Christ's last few years before his death.

The cast included (seemingly) professional actors and actresses. If you have a chance and live in the Twin Cities, I highly recommend this performance. You can check it out here and listen to one of their songs: All Things New

After the show, driving back home in a blizzard, we each shared something that made an impression on us. I shared about how loving Jesus was. He was friends with everyone and even people who betrayed him received nothing but his love and forgiveness. It is one thing to read about Jesus' kindness in scripture, but it is another very vivid thing to see his love acted out.

I want to be mindful of Jesus as my friend. I want to intentionally think about how he responded to the worst sinners with love and kindness. He did not ostracize them. He did not give them the cold shoulder or wait for them to come crawling back to him, and he is not doing that to me.  He is not  looking over my shoulder judging me, recording my wrongdoings. No, Jesus is a gentle, patient, kind, & loving friend, forgiving us always. Always ready to listen to us. Always wanting to listen to us.

A Chinese New Year's Superbowl Party!

How many parties can you fit into one event? Well, my friends packed a whopping three parties into one. Their invitations called it "The Perfect Storm" and the party was perfect indeed. The party was on Superbowl Sunday. It was also during Chinese New Year, and finally, it was the host's Birthday. Did I mention that it was also the couple's housewarming party? (I guess that makes 4 events packed into one.)

Rob and I went not knowing exactly what to expect since we know the couple but not many of their friends. We were in for a culinary treat though. My friend had one of her friends cooking Korean barbecue. She had also prepared an entire table of hot pot. Finally, there were delicious chocolates on the table, tiramisu, and birthday cake for desert. There was also a good selection of beverages and vegetables -- two of the staples of any good party.

At first, we all mingled happily upstairs. Pretty soon, the game came started, and the guy crowd all headed downstairs to the man cave. I stayed downstairs for about 15 minutes, but the Super Bowl was pretty disappointing. In the meantime, I could hear loud happy voices coming from upstairs--and the voices were speaking Chinese, and I could not help myself; I had to join them.

Upstairs, everyone was happily playing Jenga. But not just any Jenga: the loser of the game had to sing a song for everyone. (The pressure was on.) After that game got too intense, my friend made up a game. Yes, that's right--she made it up on the spot; she's amazing. The premise of the game? Each person around the table rolls the dice. The person who rolled the largest number asks the person who rolled the smallest number a question--a personal, intimate question mostly. For example, they asked me what was the most romantic gift that Rob ever gave me.  (I don't think Rob would appreciate it if I shared it on here.) Being with these friends, playing games, singing, and speaking Chinese filled my heart with such a fullness.

This Was a Fun Day!

This past week, I had the beautiful chance to reconnect with friends from China. Something often happens when you live and work with someone in a foreign country: you become family. And although we haven't seen each other in nearly 2 years, it felt like just yesterday that we were eating noodles, drinking tea, and discussing life in Hengyang. Thanks for a lovely afternoon Chris, Sarah, Devon, and Lynlee!

An Endearing Email

Last Thursday, I received this email from a good friend and former student of mine in China; I was touched. I also find it so interesting and admirable how students will memorize full chunks of English sayings and use them (mostly) correctly.

Dear p, how are you these days?
Today is the first day of China's lunar year. Happy new year. I remembered that last year you sent me the scarf as my birthday gift,and I missed the cookies. You are 30 now,right? There is a saying ,"30 is turning in people's life, because people will get more mature physically and mentally ."Is that true?

I wish I could find a job in the new year,and hope the job is related to English.I f it is not,it's also ok.what's your plan in 2012? 2012 is a new beginning,not the end of the world.

Life is short ,we will meet many people.Some people are just passers-by ,some are the return.I think u r the latter to me although you are on the other side of the earth.
I have taken some art portaits. Here is the one.

Birthday Bash

This past Monday night, I threw myself a 30th Birthday party. We ate pizza and gourmet chocolate turtle cake and played a couple games of mafia. It was encouraging to look around and see all the friends (and then some) I have here in the Twin Cities.

Beijing, Walking Street

Walking street or Wang Fu Jin in Beijing is a popular, tourist attraction especially for foreigners. This narrow street has lots of overly-priced snacks and delicacies including the ever-popular barbecued scorpion on a stick.


Shane and I getting ready to take on Walking Street. (We didn't actually try any snacks minus some fruit at the very end of the street.)

It seemed to me that there were a lot of people eating corn on a stick in Beijing. It struck me as interesting, so I tried to get a photo of it. I wasn't quite speedy enough in this photo as she took a sharp turn.

And in this photo, I think I got a bit too close, but you get the idea. People eating corn on sticks. Interesting and probably a lot healthier than us Americans eating weiner winks on sticks.

Our last night in Beijing, we went with Genevieve and her friends to sing karaoke. We had this big, private room to ourselves, . . . and we sang our hearts out. It felt like a very appropriate way to say farewell (for now) to China.

Hot Pot Party

Two week-ends ago, I threw a Birthday party for myself in China. I always miss the chance to celebrate my Birthday in China as it falls during our long Winter holiday. So, this year, nearly a month after my Birthday, I invited some friends to celebrate with me.

We went to eat hot-pot. A popular winter food in China where you order a variety of raw and uncooked foods like noodles, vegetables, slivers of meat, and dumplings. Then, you have a pot of boiling, flavored soup in front of you. The most common pot is divided into two parts (like a ying yang symbol). One side has incredibly spicy soup; the other side is milder with a slightly sweet taste. You the food into the pot allowing each item to cook the appropriate time before fishing it out into your bowl. It's not a fast meal; you have to sit and wait for foods to cook and you can't put too many things into the pot at one time.'

Our dear Chinese friend and boss bought me a couple of presents; a potently fragrant hyacinth plant and a long necklace with an old-fashioned quartered-size clock on it. She did a good job! I love both the presents.

After hot-pot, we headed to McDonald's to enjoy the chocolate cake my team-mate had made. We also ordered some ice cream and enjoyed the combination. Then, I walked home and played some Dutch Blitz with 3 of the girls from the party. What a beautiful Birthday party!

Visit Friend's New Apartment, Check!

This past week-end, I got to visit our friend and foreign affair worker's new house. (Number 11 on my "To Do List.") We had a very memorable time. One of our Chinese friends also got invited to her house, and I think in hindsight, that helped to balance the time for everyone. (i.e. when people didn't want to speak a foreign language, they could comfortably talk to another native speaker.) Our friend picked us up from the bus stop at about 3:30 in her husband's car (he was working the entire time). We first toured her apartment... then went on a lovely, leisurely stroll outside to see the neighborhood.

This is her bedroom. It's quite common to put large, framed wedding photos up around your apartment in China. Usually I can't recognize my friends in their wedding photos because of all the make-up and wigs.

This is her living room. It's nice and spacious. Amber and i are playing baseball on Fei's wii; I'm pitching and Amber's batting; she struck out. Also, notice more wedding photos on the far wall.
Our friend was a great hostess, preparing us traditional tea serving us a delicious fruit salad that even included star fruit and mayonnaise for dipping. Yummy!

The photos below is a space similar to a 3 season room or a porch. On their porch, they have a majong table, a traditional Chinese game played with four players, domino like playing pieces, and dice. And sometimes majong involves "small" cash.
A lot of the apartment complexes in her neighborhood looked a bit like Hollywood. We joked about how we felt like we were famous walking around among all the nice apartments.