A Letter to My Dear Friends

Dear friends and family,

Thank you so much for all the support, encouragement, and prayers you have given me over this past week. I was doing an okay job keeping the pregnancy emotions all in check, but last week-end, an incident happened that triggered an entire bag of compulsive thoughts, insecurities, and anxieties.

To say that I cried a few times in this past week would be an understatement. There were big nose-blowing sobs on several occasions and other small tears while driving in the car. There were nights of rough sleep, and I even had to go home early from work one day because I felt sick to my stomach (probably distressed from the lack of sleep and loss of appetite).

But, I think that the trigger event was part of a much bigger fear, anxiety, and desire for control that I am becoming aware of as Rob and are about to become parents for the first time. I worry that any poor decisions I will inevitably make might hurt little T in some way. I worry that I won’t be able to protect him all the time. I worry that I will mess up and mess him up in the process. I worry about his safety-- both inside the womb and even more so once he's born. 

I can't comprehend this delicate situation we are entering into as parents. I feel vulnerable like my heart could break at any moment, and I don't feel emotionally strong enough to handle it. I do not consider myself an emotionally strong person; I purposely stay away from things that pull too hard on my heart strings. And yet, here we stand ready to have our lives changed forever by this little helpless human-being that God is entrusting to us. 

Time seems to be standing still and propelling forward at the same time. With each back ache and cramp, I think of all the things I need to finish before he arrives, and yet there's little I want to do except rub my belly and look forward to his arrival. I also have no desire to go out especially in the evenings. I treasure the precious few nights that Rob and I have left to just be at home together.  

Thank you again for all the encouragement you have all been through this emotional, roller-coaster of a ride. 

Stay tuned, 

Portia 

The thing about moving. . .

I distinctly remember moving about 3 times in my life (although I have moved a lot more than that.) One of the first moves I remember was when I was 6 six years old; our family moved from our little two bedroom house in town into what felt like a mansion of a house (4 bedrooms) in the country. We had a large yard with a wood swing-set, a deck, and more outdoor space than we knew what to do with.  Not only did our new house have a dish-washer, but it also had a family room and two bathrooms. I felt like royalty living in our new house.

My parents were pretty on top of things, so it took our family about one day to get moved in and boxes put away. I had a new room; the house and yard were ours to explore, and yet one of the first feelings I remember having was that of boredom. I remember sitting in the living room looking at my older brother with blank stares on our faces. "Now what?" There were so many things to explore, and yet I missed the familiar routines from the old house. I knew how to pattern my day in the old space. I knew where my favorite corners of the house were; I knew where I liked to play with my toys. I knew how to find things in the kitchen. And now, with so much newness, I felt completely bored.

The other time I remember feeling this way was almost exactly four years ago when I moved from a house with family friends into a two bedroom apartment with a girl I hardly knew (who has since become one of my best friends.)  I was so looking forward to having my own space, my own room. It didn't take me very long to get my few possessions unpacked (the apartment included all the furniture I needed.) And although I had so been anticipating this quiet space of my own, I remember feeling bored and lonely on the very first night. "What am I going to do with my time every single night?" I remember thinking.

It's now night three in our newly refurnished, two-bedroom apartment, and guess what?  I don't know how to function in the new space, and dare I say I feel bored. Sure, there is lots to do; boxes to unpack, things to look for, addresses to update, and yet, I can barely get anything accomplished. Yesterday I thought the feeling was exhaustion. Today, I think the feeling is very similar to how I felt when I was a 6 year old girl - "now what?" I'm not sure where my favorite corners are; I'm scared to tackle cooking.  Whenever I go to complete some task, I discover I can't find something and get side-tracked before giving up. My world feels a bit discombobulated, and all I want to do is sit and watch the evening news. But our cable is not working yet.  I think about reading my favorite book or journalling, but I can't find either.

One of the authors that I studied in grad school summed up the way I have been feeling about moving quite well:

“And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness.”  - Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath 

Granted, we are expecting to find better things than loneliness in our move, but there are inevitably a few twists and turns waiting for us as we get settled in and adjust to not only a new place, but a new life stage as well.

On Budgeting when Pregnant

Yep-- spoiler alert! We're pregnant. I say "we" because Rob holds just as much responsibility for this as I do. We definitely feel like we have been given a gift from God, and we are beyond thrilled!  In general, there have not been too many bumps along the road. We knew we wanted to have kids, and the time seemed right. So we went for it!

Pregnancy in the midst of student loans looks pretty interesting though.  Unlike some future momma's who spend a lot of dough on getting the newest and best and cutest of everything, we are trying to get only the basics and hopefully at reasonable prices too.

So far, I am receiving a hand-me down crib form my dear friend Sandy. Her kiddos are 4 and 6, and  she no longer needs it. We also need to purchase a car-seat (we'll buy this new), a high chair of some sort, a bassinet, and a changing pad to put on my dresser.  We might even splurge and get a changing table, but that's pretty much it!

No rocking chair or little nursery oasis for little T (that's what we call him/her). Little T will be sharing the bedroom with us, since we live in a one bedroom apartment. I don't really think he/she will remember anyways. I think babies only remember if they are loved, and ours definitely will be.

In addition to the big purchases, we are starting to figure out how much we might need to spend in diapers, doctor's visits, and baby bottles. Another major future cost will be child care. Most likely I will be heading back to work after the maternity leave (expect more on this topic in a future post) but we also have to crunch the numbers and do what makes the most sense for our family. It kind of makes my head spin to think of all the additional things we need to consider. But I am trying to just take it one thing at a time.

For maternity clothes, I have made a personal vow not to buy any maternity shirt that costs more than $10. I have purchased maybe 5 shirts so far-- 3 for summer and 2 for winter, and all of them under $10.  Another one of my dear friends is handing me down some of her maternity clothes including a pair of maternity pants. I also plan to wear lots of leggings and my loose fitting dresses in the winter.

Finally, another unexpected area where our costs have increased is our grocery bill. I am trying to eat a lot of fruits and nuts when I need a snack. In addition, now that it's summer, I need to make my own lunches (instead of just eating the school lunch at work.) This in addition to the frequent snacking has really tacked on some added costs to our weekly shopping bill.  Fifty dollars is no longer enough to purchase all the groceries we need for the week. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay if we need to spend a bit more on groceries if it means eating healthier and trying to cook at home more often.

To all the people out there on a budget, what advice do you have for us as we prepare for our little one?

Our very first photo shoot of little T. (This was taken at week 9; we are at 14 weeks now.)