Making Work Fun . . .

This week has been particularly challenging. The temperatures here in Minnesota have hovered around 0 degrees with wind chills of up to 25 below. Each morning as I watch the weather forecast, I feel like calling in sick simply because I don't want to face the reality of the wind blasting coldness. I am fighting an ongoing struggle to stay positive and joyful about my job and the tasks that go along with it, specifically, walking little people to and from different buildings with scarves whipping their faces, hats blowing off, stinging winds assaulting us all.

I feel about ready to break. We use a countdown system so students know how much time they have left to get ready. We use singing, chants, and still, everyday before walking outside, it feels like a small battle, a battle that happens three times a day. But this week I have also learned not to take myself so seriously. In those moments when the children just will not put on their winter things to go outside, I take a deep breath, even leave the room. "They are five years' old" I tell myself. "It's not a big deal."  Next, I focus on helping one student at a time.

I have also discovered that if I can turn the more difficult tasks into a fun game, the task becomes more manageable, enjoyable even. One place where I have started to use this strategy is in the lunchroom. Right before we leave to head back to the other building, I supervise the line of Kindergarten students until they are all in the line ready to go. Previously, the students would lean against the wall and then lose their balance and fall on one another, much like cascading dominoes. It was quite frustrating and yelling at them did not help. Then one day, I had an epiphany: "What if I gave them all a task they could do that would distract them?" So I started playing "Do what I Do" also known as "Follow the Leader" with them. This game is simple. If I touch my knees, they have to touch their knees. If I tap my head, they tap their head. And so on. The game was an immediate success!

The following day, the game was also a success. The third day, I decided to spice it up a bit. Instead of playing "Do what I Do" we sang "If you're happy and you know it." This also worked fairly well, although was not quite as controlled or quiet as the "Do what I Do" game. Either way, it makes me happy that I no longer have to dread this moment in the lunchroom where I previously felt perpetual annoyance at the students. Furthermore, they love it, and they are being safe.

Now, if only I could find a similar solution for the sub-zero weather we are having. Maybe on days where the temperature is below zero, I buy fancy coffee on my way to work. Now there's a thought! At this point, any little perk in these cold Winter days is greatly appreciated, necessary even.

CONFIDENCE & Other Thoughts

I recently checked out a book from the library titled "The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance -- What Women Should Know" by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. This book has been so eye-opening in identifying and labeling some of the destructive habits that we as women have fallen into: "Women spend far too much time undermining themselves with tortured cycles of useless self-recrimination. It is the opposite of taking action, that cornerstone of confidence. There is a formal word for it: ruminating. We do a lot more ruminating than men, and we have to get out of our heads if we want to build confidence" (Kay & Shipman, 104).

Ruminating, the art of worrying about things you cannot change. Ruminating particularly finds a home in my mind around Christmas time-- I second guess the gifts I bought my family, and the gifts I wasn't able to afford for my friends. I beat myself up for not printing more Christmas photos or sending Christmas cards.I worry that people are dissatisfied with their gift or think I spent too much or too little.  But ruminating is useless-- it does not actually move you from your place of insecurity but digs you deeper into it. It does not inspire; it inhibits future action, and it encourages self-pity and self-doubt.

The authors of this book go on to say that this epidemic overflows into our personal lives too: " How often have you mentally picked away at relationships with friends or a partner, undermining something that was actually perfectly solid? Or spent too many hours second-guessing a decision as simple as whether to get a new haircut?" (Kay & Shipman, 106).  Can I get an Amen?

I can completely relate to this book, and if it did not belong to the library, I would have highlighted entire pages in yellow. Part of the fight in overcoming a lack of confidence, according to Kay and Shipman, is to move from inaction to action.  To speak up. To take risks without knowing exactly what the outcome will be. This single movement from deliberation to action, from ruminating to moving forward can be learned, can be practiced.

And so I must urgently practice action as well in taking bold, confident steps.
 My moves of confidence for this coming year are two-fold: 

Number one- Stop apologizing for things and asking if I did something wrong. Making mistakes is part of the human experience. Rubbing my nose in my mistakes is not. Of  course mistakes will happen, but the ruminating has got to stop.

Number two- Take some crazy risks and push myself beyond my realm of comfort. I have severely limited myself because I have wanted the security and stability of a full-time job. While this is well and good and Dave Ramsey approved, the job itself has taken up a lot of energy, thereby eating up time that might otherwise be spent free-lance writing, consulting, and tutoring.

What are your bold moves of confidence in 2015?

When God Says No

Sometimes, I expect God to reveal Himself to me in how he provides for me or answers my prayers. On occassion, God does reveal Himself that way. But so many other times, he choses not to answer my prayers by giving me what I want -- instead, he meets me in my struggling, doubting self that asks “Why not? What else do you have for me? I don’t know where you are taking me, and I am tired of searching for it.”  

If God were only a god who gave us what we want, then He would not be very powerful, sovereign, or righteous. The Lord only knows how many times I have asked for things that would be crippling, toxic, and ultimately lead me away from Him. He knows when and how to answer our prayers and that reveals His sovereignty, His grace, His protection. 

The truth is my priorities are not always in line with God’s will for my life. But often times, I do not realize this in time from being spared the heart-ache of God telling me No.  I assume that if God is living in me, then any desire or dream I have must be from Him. And maybe, sometimes it is. But my fleshly self has its way of lurking around the corner of my mind, crowding in upon me, and subtley forcing its way into my thoughts and my ambitions. And I am left in the aftermath of disappointment. 

But this is not a hopeless place to be. This is where God has me for now. He is not silent in His answers, even if I don’t like them. He is bringing my skewed priorities into the light, and there is clarity and a simplicity in that light. A getting back to the basics of seeking God in every moment and every decision. 

So Now What?

Alright, I know my last post wasn't exactly the most uplifting. But, I am trying not to hang my head about my job situation. And just to clarify, although I feel like it is a depressing situation, I am not depressed. Big difference. I am still able to find joy in the day to day activities of life. I am blessed to have amazing friends, a loving husband, supportive parents, a safe place to call home. I am truly blessed. But I am still not content to stay here.

 In my quest to find out my career in life, I have started to read two books. The first one is START by Jon Acuff. The subtitle is Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average, Do Work that Matters. So I am trying to wake up early every morning to have quiet time and do a little bit of guided journaling about bridging the gap between my dreams and my reality.

 The second book I have started to read is called Strengthfinders. I know that I have strengths and that these are tied to what I enjoy and what career path I should be walking down.

I am also committed to blogging more. Not to see how many people comment or read my blog, but to keep myself accountable by sharing my journey with a few more people. I have also discovered that I am not alone and that some of my friends struggle with this same career thing. And finally, I have decided to blog more because I simply love to write. I love to see how clear my thoughts become when I put them to paper. I write because it helps me breath and taste life more fully.

So that's what I have decided to do to get unstuck. Wake up early, read more, write more, and pray continuously! I don't want to simply change jobs in hopes of discovering where I am going. I want to move with a clear purpose when God tells me "Now."

Not Where I was Heading

This is hardly where I thought I would be. The reality of it bites at me everyday. I want to do something more significant than teach the ABC's, clean up milk spills, wipe down tables, mediate between 5 year olds, be pulled and prodded for my attention. I want a different type of significance. A significance more related to building up individuals in their identities, maybe in hopes of building up my own. Everyday as I try to get motivated to go to work with kindergarteners, I see life as a kind of a cruel joke. I thought that if I just followed all the rules and got good grades, life would somehow reward me with a good job or at least a job related to my 7 years of study. I thought if I separated myself from the American dream of career, money, and stability, and abandoned myself to a higher calling, the other things would come naturally and without much struggle. Surely God could bring those things my way with a snap of his fingers. Surely I am not alone in these questions, thoughts, regrets. I have been trying to be joyful, to be satisfied, to enjoy little tokens of life. For the most part, I do, and I am thankful. But I am also scared that I have gotten so accustomed to seeing life as cruel that I am unable to dream that it could be different. From where I sit now, it looks like when I get to the end, I'll look back and say "Well, that was the best I could do." I feel trapped in Kindergarten forever by time and money and circumstances.