Reverse Culture Shock- What No One Tells You

Living overseas for any amount of time has its challenges and its rewards. You know that you are in for culture shock when you move overseas. What you don't know, is that coming home the reverse culture shock will be equally as challenging if not more challenging as the initiaul culture shock you experienced.

 Reverse Culture Shock- What No One Tells You

 1. When you first leave home to live in another country, you have a base reference point. That place where you feel all the customs and foods are normal and predictable. You know what is comfortable and the things you like. After you have gone through culture shock and experienced the fullness of its five stages, (see more here) you reach the independence stage in the new culture. You see the new culture in a realistic light. However, your tastes have changed along the way and your thinking has become more culturally integrated. I would argue that your entire base reference point has changed. You no longer have a base from which to process everything; everything needs to be digested on its own. You no longer simply accept status quo, because you have learned how to integrate different cultures and customs into your worldview. This is a good thing, and it should be celebrated. However, it can also be incredibly isolating. Your reasons and rationale don't so easily match up with your families' and friends' as they used to, and when you return home, you discover this difference quickly. 

2. When you live in another country, you put on hold some "American dreams" you had wanted to achieve. The house, the spouse, the start of a retirement account, the career. Many people sacrifice one or all of these things when they live overseas. No one ever tells you that when you return, you will feel perpetually behind for at least the first 4 years if not longer. You are playing catch up. It is hard not to look with envy at what your peers have achieved. You have to continually remind yourself of what you gained instead of what you lost.

 3. Another challenging thing about reverse culture shock is you forget the cultural norms in your home culture. In fact, I remember my first social experiences re-entering the US more vividly than I remember my first social experiences in China. The re-entering social setting was a murder mystery meal. Wearing the costume helped me feel less out of place since everyone was pretending to be someone they were not. Only I was pretending to be someone else pretending to be someone else. I tried really hard to fit in. I watched others for social cues; I didn't want people to know that I had just breezed in from Asia and had no idea what the social norms were here in Minnesota. My first few months I continued to ask people how much money they made and how old they were. I felt awkward. . . a lot.

Since returning from China I still cannot remember what is the social norm for opening gifts in America. Do you open the present right away or wait until the person leaves? Should you give a small gift or a large one? Is it okay to give money or is it considered to be unthoughtful and impersonal. For the life of me, I cannot remember.

 Dealing with Culture Shock:

 Each person deals with the culture shock in different ways. Some of my friends have dealt with this reverse future shock by seeing a counselor to help them deal with re-entry and reverse culture shock. Other people have dived into similar ministries as they were doing overseas here in the states. Still others have since returned to the country they left, feeling more at home there than in their home country.

The way that I have dealt with reverse culture shock is to stuff it down and keep busy. My husband recently asked me why I haven't shared more of those experiences with him. The truth is that I can hardly share without feeling a deep longing for China, for my friends, for the culture, and the people I left. It is crippling to live in longing for another place, so I try to forget and create my own reality. It has worked in that it has allowed me to be here in the US, but it has also left a deep sadness within me that I have only recently started to pay attention to. I don't know what to do with it, but writing about is helping it come to light.

What about you? How have you death with culture shock or reverse culture shock? Are there any helpful resources out there for people like me?

The beauty of the Chinese "no"

Summer is here. I work less, sleep in more, & consume more calories. Life is good. But at the same time, life has also felt really busy and jam-packed too. Sometimes, I find myself holding my breath in fear that all the activities are going to combust. I have done this to myself.  Because my schedule seems like it should be more "free," I have tried to hang out with friends, catch up with relatives, and call people on the phone. These are all fine and good things to do, but now I am tired.  With friends in and out of town and family engagements popping up right and left, I am realizing the need to practice the beauty of the Chinese "no."

The Chinese "no" is basically an indirect way to say that you are not available for something. Instead of telling someone point blank that you do not want to hang out right now, you say it in a more indirect way such as saying, "Oh, this week I am so busy. Let's try for the following week." And of course, you can guess that the next week comes and goes and yu have done nothing to initiate the hang-out.  Another way to say no, is to simply not get back to the person. In this way, you don't even have to say anything; you just let that email or text go unanswered until the proposed time of hanging out has passed.

Is this a wrong way to think about hanging out with friends? I don't think so. I love my friends and family, and I will and do make a point to hang out with them. But sometimes, even this social butterfly needs to coccoon and enjoy the slower things of life. Reading a book late into the night, writing nonsense poems, dreaming about the future, praying about needs of friends and future direction. The Chinese "no" allows space for some of these things and keeps my anxious feelings about an overpacked schedule away. 

Best Party Yet

Probably one of the best parties I have thrown to date was back in 2010, Hengyang China.  The occassion was Halloween. Since a lot of the students had heard about Halloween but had misconceptions about it, I decided to throw a fun, not scary, Halloween party.

  

 

 I encouraged the students to dress up in costumes and told them we were going to eat candy, bob for apples, and play a game. I was so impressed with how creative the students were at coming up with their costumes. Most of the hats and headpieces these students wore were made by themselves from construction paper.

 

As most parties go in China, the night was not complete without some freestyle karaoke. One of my more outspoken students serenaded us with a couple of popular hits. (I am trying to figure out how to upload the video here.)  Listening to her sweet voice makes me lonesome for China and my students.

T

Rice Cooker

I have never cooked so much in all my life as I have these past 6 months since getting married. Before getting married, I survived on "snack" meals-- popcorn and apples, instant noodles, granola and yogurt, cereal, eggs -- "snack" meals. But now that there are two people to feed, (and one of them is a 5'10" male) "snack" meals don't really cut it.  I do not mind cooking, and Rob never puts the pressure on me to cook, but when I get home about two hours earlier than him, it just seems the task quite naturally becomes mine.

So, I have been donning my chef's hat and getting creative in the kitchen. I have also developed a new appreciation for our rice cooker (a wedding gift from family friends.) I would even go so far to say that I love our rice cooker. Yes, sometimes it does seem to take a long time just to cook some rice, but the result is never disappointing.  It's a little bit ironic too because I hardly ever used my rice cooker in China except to make soup, and now I use one more than ever. Some of our favorite meals to have with rice include stir-fry, chicken curry, and Campbell's slow cooker meals.

Here are some great things I love about rice:
1. It's healthy.
2. It's cheap.
3. You can put it in the rice cooker and forget about it until it's done.
4. It smells delicious.
5. It can be repurposed -- fried rice, rice pudding, rice bread.
6. You can eat it with chopsticks.

What are some things you like about rice?

10 After Effects of Living in China

After living in China for four years, I noticed some things about the way I interacted in American society that made me slightly different from the majority of people around me.

Here are 10 of those after effects from living in China:

10. You are amazed at how much some things everything costs.

9. You are frequently overwhelmed by seeing an entire aisle of cereal choices in the grocery store.

8. You ask your friends questions such as "How much money do you make?" and "How old are you?"

7. You tell people that you cannot make it to their place because "I have something to do."

6. You shower less than 3 times a week (in the winter.)

5. You wear layers of clothing (in the winter.)

4. You call your coworkers "colleagues."

3. You spit in public.

2.  You carry tissues and hand-sanitizer in your purse at all times.

1. You feel sentimental and home-sick whenever you hear Chinese being spoken around you.


(This blog is written with thoughts of my friends Genevieve and Kate who I met through living and working with them in China.  Right now, they are in Thailand lifting up overseas workers.)

This Was a Fun Day!

This past week, I had the beautiful chance to reconnect with friends from China. Something often happens when you live and work with someone in a foreign country: you become family. And although we haven't seen each other in nearly 2 years, it felt like just yesterday that we were eating noodles, drinking tea, and discussing life in Hengyang. Thanks for a lovely afternoon Chris, Sarah, Devon, and Lynlee!

An Endearing Email

Last Thursday, I received this email from a good friend and former student of mine in China; I was touched. I also find it so interesting and admirable how students will memorize full chunks of English sayings and use them (mostly) correctly.

Dear p, how are you these days?
Today is the first day of China's lunar year. Happy new year. I remembered that last year you sent me the scarf as my birthday gift,and I missed the cookies. You are 30 now,right? There is a saying ,"30 is turning in people's life, because people will get more mature physically and mentally ."Is that true?

I wish I could find a job in the new year,and hope the job is related to English.I f it is not,it's also ok.what's your plan in 2012? 2012 is a new beginning,not the end of the world.

Life is short ,we will meet many people.Some people are just passers-by ,some are the return.I think u r the latter to me although you are on the other side of the earth.
I have taken some art portaits. Here is the one.

Oreos in China

When I lived in China, I ate a lot of oreo cookies. More so than I ever eat when I'm living in the States. Why the difference? Because in China, oreos are quick and easy comfort food. Because it's a little reminder of home. Because you can buy them with peanut butter or ice cream flavored middles. Because you can buy them as wafer sticks or even twists. The last 2 years, you could even buy them in wafer sticks that had a coffee flavored creme in the middle. Because you can buy a package of 8 for about $.50.
Ah yes, the oreo in China.
I had forgotten my appreciation for these little guys until my dad shared this article with me from NPR: Rethinking the Oreo For Chinese Consumers.
Check it out.

To Do List

One semester left to go in China,
Here's the list of "to do's"

1. Host a hot pot party.
2. Stay for one full day and / or spend the night at the orphanage.
3. Visit the library on campus.
4. Go roller-skating (again).
5. Rent a bicycle. Ride it around. Buy some fruit.
6. Read the Dream of Red Mansions and walk around discussing it with people.
7. Stay in a hotel in Hengyang.
8. Go to a class picnic.
9. Attend one of Roger's classes.
10. Visit Wei Fei Fei's new house.
11. Visit Japan.
12. Start giving away stuff like crazy.
13. Host a game night.
14. Jog around the city.
15. Teach a class backwards. (Put the end of the class first. End the class with the introduction.)
16. Once the weather turns nice, dance once a week with the elderly ladies by the river.
Buckle up, Hengyang!

Thoughts on orphans (part 2)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about a girl at the orphanage center named Lulu. (see post Thoughts on Orphans) Recently God has changed my heart towards her. Instead of seeing her as the antithesis at the center, I see her as the person who needs the most love. Instead of waiting for her to need attention and seek it in negative ways, we try to lavish on her positive attention.

One of the main ways to give her attention is to dance with her. She loves to dance, and she loves to dance with a partner. Lucky for her, I also love to dance and sing, so I’m more than happy to accompany her. Most of the time, we dance in the room that has all the toddler like kids, (who are actually 4 or 5 years old) sitting in red, car-seat like chairs propped against the wall. We dance back and forth in front of them. I usually sing one of the two or three songs I know in Chinese, and then I revert to “I could have danced all night” and Fiddler on the Roof’s “Sunrise, Sunset.”

Lulu still lashes out, and I’m personally still a bit scared of her when she does especially after my friend showed me the purple bite mark that Lu lu left on her. But, it also seems like Lulu is able to respond to discipline. My friend will stand with her against the wall in a kind of “time-out.” This is the only discipline though that Lu Lu seems to get though since the Chinese carers have said that Lulu is beyond control and if she wants something they simply have to give it to her or she will lose her temper and start beating up the other kids.

In their eyes, there is no point to discipline her as it only sets her off and makes their job of caring for her more difficult. But in a way, the failure to discipline Lulu is also a visible mark of the failure to love her. I heard a message by Matt Chandler who had this to say about discipline: “Discipline does not ensure love, but love necessarily produces discipline.” And his words are consistent with what the writer of Hebrews tell us about discipline: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11). The lack of discipline in this child, in these childrens' lives, is creating a dark and difficult road for their future. Oh that I would have the courage to love to the extent of disciplining in the face of rage and sharp teeth.