Random Thanksgiving Musings

This Thanksgiving, I got to enjoy extended time with family. The strange and beautiful thing about family is you can be yourself, let your true colors shine, and just process life in its rawness and for the most part, your family will just accept this as you, as normal. On Thursday, after we had eaten a small feast, we all went in our separate directions. Literally, we parted like the Red Sea. The younger folk took the basement, the Aunt and Uncle took a rest, Grandma took the couch, I went to the hotel, and mom went to do some errands. And you know what? We were all pretty content to be apart for awhile and catch some winks while we digested our turkey and cream laden sweet potatoes.

Then in the early evening hours, some of us went on a walk through an enchanted forest. Yes, enchanted. It was wonderful. We had delightful conversation and walked for what felt like 10 minutes even though we were out for over an hour. As we returned, we felt our stomachs making way for something a bit more. Mom made a delicious pizza dip that we enjoyed with chips and bread. We also had some slivers of cheesecake. A surprising combination of deliciousness!

And as we sat around the table, we shared stories of Grandpa Friesen. His life, his last moments, his wit, his faith. And as we told these stories and heard new ones, we all understood something more about our heritage, our identity. I looked over at my Uncle during this reminiscing time; tears were forming in the back of us eyes as we laughed and shared. I looked at my Grandma who listened with pride to hear stories from her husband's life. And I wouldn't trade this Thanksgiving for anything.

And then, we all played a silly game of Time's Up where we all had to act a bit ridiculous.

And the next day, on the drive home, I felt tired and sentimental all at the same time. Sometimes when I get to feeling this way, I don't want to talk to anyone; I just want to be alone with my thoughts. So I drove and tuned out the world with my ipod. The South Dakota highway passed quickly under our tires, and before I had time to even start reflecting on the meaning of the week-end, we were home. And of course, no sooner than the four of us had eaten supper, did we part again. Dad and I went to a concert at church, and mom and Shane watched TV upstairs. But like I mentioned earlier, there is such a peace and understanding when you're hanging out with family. You don't have to pretend to like this or enjoy that. You just are, and you know that if you are different, it's beautiful and interesting. And I'm so thankful for that this Thanksgiving!

Walking around and stuff

Despite the changeable weather, the past couple of week-ends have been filled with good company while enjoying wonderful, extended walks outside.




And in only one week's time, we've gone from a soft covering of golden leaves to fresh snow. But with a little extra padding, even a walk in the snow can be a beautiful thing.

Marking Territories

I know that we frequently think of dogs as having their own territories. It’s common knowledge that dogs “mark their territory” by peeing on things such as tree trunks and corners of garages. But recently, I have the feeling that dogs are not the only creatures that have the need to claim and mark their territories. I think women also have this need. And right now, I’m in the somewhat uncomfortable process of discovering how the marking of these territories takes place.

Here’s my question: How many women can comfortably live together before imaginary territory boundaries get crossed and things get crowded, caddy and possessive. Right now, I live with 3 other women. I imagine that all 4 of us, including myself, have a territory where we have become the guru of sorts, the top dog in that particular realm.

For example, there is the territory of the kitchen. Who is the master of the kitchen? Who enjoys baking, cooking, experimenting, looking at recipes, and can whip up muffins from scratch before you or I could run to the store for a pre-packaged Betty Crocker mix.

Then there’s the territory of being the sensitive listener. The person who is sensitive to the relational happenings in the home. Other people’s ups and downs. How everyone’s week has been, how that difficult coworker has been acting at work and so on. The relational consultant whose own needs or issues are never brought up in the face of everyone else's emotional needs.

Then there’s the territory of being the cool girl who is all up to date on her fashion. She knows all the recent movies, random stories, and all the trendy styles. She knows what cool people are doing and she follows suit.

And then I guess there is the territory of not knowing what territory you are in so you try to stand gently in each territory for a moment or so. You see the territories clearly and feel there is no room to snatch a small plot of land for yourself. You climb a tree and sit alone like Zaccheus only unlike Zaccheus, the view only discourages you. The territories are all clearly marked with their flags waving fiercely, boldly. And even though you don’t really want to stay in that tree, you’re not sure where to set up camp. So you consider a sex change or moving to Australia or following the example of our dear canine friend and strategically peeing in 4 corners of the house.

In China, I was also on a team with anywhere between 4 to 6 women at a time. This also presented some territorial challenges at least initially. One of us was known for teaching, one for ministry, one for relational sensitivities, one for Chinese ability, one for kindness and compassion, and so on. At first, it was hard not to compare our gifts against the gifts of the other women (especially when our students were so quick to point out everyone else’s specialty to us.) But somehow as we had the chance to develop our own, unique relationships and “territories” within the community, we had more space to grow and pull from the strengths of our team-mates. We learned how to maneuver ourselves by adapting to use each others’ gifts as the situation called for it, and we were blessed and well-rounded because of it. That seems like the ideal, and I wait for it now… from the not-so-secure spot on my tree.

A Negative Post from an Optimist

Today was one of those days when you want to come home and forget that you had any part to do with it.

Today was one of those days when I made students cry. Who would have known that this 5 ft 1 in beast of a woman could be capable of such cruelty when seen from the eyes of 6th and 2nd grade boys at the threat of calling mom and doing extra homework.

"Meanie" and "Perfectionist" those are my new labels from the day.

Today, that's me. . . the "meanie" who expects completed homework and respect. Unfortunately though, name calling and tears do not necessarily equal respect. Respect, cooperation, that seems to be the thing I cannot find, the thing I cannot cultivate. And I curse my female genes for making me seem weak and emotional as I see my boss wield his male voice and stature over these students.

Unlike the students, no one cares if I cry or have a mental breakdown. There's no therapist or IEP plan in this study called full-time work in America. And for every one step forward one student makes, another student takes two steps back. That's not even counting how many steps backwards I am taking everyday out of discouragement. And at the end of the week, I just want to escape my day, to escape myself and these thoughts that feel like poison.

But the day and its vivid memories swirl around in my mind and make me skeptical that I'll ever have another good day at work.

Joy

The other day, I had one of those days that was filled with joy. It was not necessarily because anything extra special happened, but I was able to consider things all joy... thankful.

Purpose

This evening, I was talking with a girl who is really involved in small groups at church. She also works full time and goes to school. "How do you accomplish all these things and still do life?" I asked her?
"Well, when you do things that are purposeful and meaningful, you don't feel tired; you feel refreshed" she answered.
I agree with her, and now I find myself looking at my life, my schedule, and wondering...why do I feel so tired? What are the things that I'm doing without a purpose? How can I eliminate those things and replace them with things that are going to be purposeful?.
And so I am challenged this month, to replace all the time I spend worrying with activities that are going to bring joy and give life.

Ｉｎ ａ Ｆｕｎｋ

Still feeling stuck and a bit discouraged. My friend keeps reminding me to live by faith and not sight. But both of them don't seem to be ｖｅｒｙ　ｐｒｏｍｉｓｉｎｇ　ｏｐｔｉｏｎｓ　ｆｏｒ　ｔｈｅ　ｍｏｍｅｎｔ．　

Ｉ　think sometimes people say "live by faith"　ｔｏ　ｂｒｕｓｈ　ｏｖｅｒ　ｇｅｎｕｉｎｅ　ｃｏｎｃｅｒｎｓ　ｏｒ　ｓｉｔｕａｔｉｏｎs．　Ｉwant to live by faith, but Iｆｅｅｌ　ｌｉｋｅ　ｍｙ　ｆａｉｔｈ　ｉｓ　ｎｏｔ　ｓｏ　ｓｔｒｏｎｇ　ｒｉｇｈｔ　ｎｏｗ．　Don't misunderstand me. Iｓｔｉｌｌ　ｈａｖｅ　ｆａｉｔｈ，　ｂｕｔ　ｉｔ　ｆｅｅｌｓ　ｐｅｌｔｅｄ　ｗｉｔｈ　ｓｈａｒｐ　ｌｉｔｔｌｅ　ｓｔｏｎｅｓ　ｔｈａｔ　ｈａｖｅ　ｌｏｄｇｅｄ　ｔｈｅｍｓｅｌｖｅｓ　ｉｎ　ｍｙ　ｈｅａｒｔ．　

Ｓｏ，Ｉ　think for me, living by faith ｒｉｇｈｔ　ｎｏｗ　ｄｅｍａｎｄｓ　ｍｅ　ｔｏ　ａｌｓｏ　ｔａｋｅ　ｓｏｍｅ　ａｃｔｉｏｎ　ａｎｄ　ｍａｋｅ　ｓｏｍｅ　ｃｈｏｉｃｅｓ　ｔｈａｔ　ａｒｅ　ｇｏｉｎｇ　ｔｏ　help ｇｒｏｗ　ｍｙ　ｆａｉｔｈ．　Iｗａｎｔ　ａ　ｃｈａｎｇｅｄ　ｐｅｒｃｅｐｔｉｏｎ　to see my situation and Iａｌｓｏ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｓｔｅｅｒ　ｍｙ　ｌｉｆｅ，　ｍｙ　ｔｈｏｕｇｈｔｓ　ｉｎ　ａ　ｎｅｗ　ｄｉｒｅｃｔｉｏｎ．　Ｍａｙｂｅ　ｍｙ　ｌｉｆｅ　ｉｓ　ｇｏｉｎｇ　ａ　ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｔ　ｄｉｒｅｃｔｉｏｎ　ｔｈａｎ　Ｉ　ｔｈｏｕｇｈｔ　ａｔ　ｆｉｒｓｔ　ａｎｄ　ｐｅｒｈａｐｓ　ｔｈａｔ＇ｓ　ｃｏｎｔｒｉｂｕｔｉｎｇ　ｔｏ　ｔｈｅ　＂ｆｕｎｋ．＂But either way, I　ｎｅｅｄ　ｔｏ　ｆａｃｅ　ｉｔ．　

I've been a bit　ｖａｇｕｅ　in the past couple of posts．　Ｔｈｉｓ　ｉｓ　ｌａｒｇｅｌｙ　ｂｅｃａｕｓｅ　Ｉ don't know why I　ａｍ　ｆｅｅｌｉｎｇ　ｉｎ　ａ　ｆｕｎｋ，　ａｎｄ　Ｉ＇ｍ　ｅｖｅｎ　ｍｏｒｅ　ｕｎｃｌｅａｒ　ｏｆ　ｗｈａｔ　ｏｒ　ｈｏｗ　Ｉ　ｃａｎ　ｇｅｔ　ｏｕｔ　ｏｆ　ｉｔ．

An Encouraging Word

I’m reading a book by Mark Buchanan called The Rest of God. He talks a lot about finding rest and taking time to notice God in our lives. This morning, his words have been a divine encouragement to me:

“I used to think the spiritual life was mostly about finding and using our gifts for God’s glory—my utmost for his highest. More and more, I think it is not this, not first, not most. At root, the spiritual life consists in choosing the way of littleness. I become less so that Jesus might become greater. Its essence is No—No to ourselves, our impulses and cravings, our acts of self-promotion and self-vindication, our use of power for its own sake. It calls us to deny ourselves possessions, rights, conquests that we’re tempted to claim just because we can. It is growing, day by day, into the same attitude that Christ had, and by exactly the same means: emptying ourselves, giving ourselves. It is refusing to grasp what we think is owed us and instead embracing what we think is beneath us.” (Buchanan 101)

Somewhat recently, I have been stuck in self-promotion and striving. Specifically, I have some unspoken and perhaps imagined competition in my life; it lives beside me and everyday reminds me of its presence or my inability to overcome it. But I am so horrible at competition. Unwilling to compete, I quit or turn sour. But the words about becoming little, remind me that instead of being overcome or trying to overcome, I need to be saying no to myself, no to using power, self-vindication, or even my own worries to overcome this. And instead, I need to be emptying myself, taking my eyes off self and the situation and allowing him to fill me up.

Friends & Jogging

They say that in dating, we often end up with the person who, when we look to our right or our left, is that person running at the same speed and heading in the same direction as we are. I'd like to propose that this is also generally true for how we choose our close friends. Usually they end up becoming the people who are running beside us in similar life stages or heading in a similar life direction.

So I look to my left, and glance over my shoulder to my right, and there I see my fellow runners, my friends. All unique in their ideas, refined by their trials, shining in their faith. In their strengths, I see my weaknesses; I wonder if they have the same feelings when they look at me.
And I give them all mental high fives, and we keep on running, sometimes set back by life, sometimes slowing down to be redirected, but always making our way forward.

Making It

I almost didn't come in to work today; I was ready to call in and say I had come down with a kind of sickness that was mostly affecting my mental stability. But then I thought better of it.
So instead, I just made some very simple, attainable goals for the day. They are as follows:
1. Stay hydrated.
2. Don't lose your temper.
3. Smile at students that annoy you.

And here we are at lunchtime already, and I am still here, smiling a lot.