Friday, November 18, 2011

A Negative Post from an Optimist

Today was one of those days when you want to come home and forget that you had any part to do with it.

Today was one of those days when I made students cry. Who would have known that this 5 ft 1 in beast of a woman could be capable of such cruelty when seen from the eyes of 6th and 2nd grade boys at the threat of calling mom and doing extra homework.

"Meanie" and "Perfectionist" those are my new labels from the day.

Today, that's me. . . the "meanie" who expects completed homework and respect. Unfortunately though, name calling and tears do not necessarily equal respect. Respect, cooperation, that seems to be the thing I cannot find, the thing I cannot cultivate. And I curse my female genes for making me seem weak and emotional as I see my boss wield his male voice and stature over these students.

Unlike the students, no one cares if I cry or have a mental breakdown. There's no therapist or IEP plan in this study called full-time work in America. And for every one step forward one student makes, another student takes two steps back. That's not even counting how many steps backwards I am taking everyday out of discouragement. And at the end of the week, I just want to escape my day, to escape myself and these thoughts that feel like poison.

But the day and its vivid memories swirl around in my mind and make me skeptical that I'll ever have another good day at work.

3 comments:

Norman & Joyce said...

It does get better. (Perhaps an unreliable opinion from a retired teacher.)

Drew and Rachel said...

Portia, I am hurting with you!!!!!!!!! arg sounds like such a tough job. I worked at a wilderness boarding school for juvies once, each day was pretty hard so I think I can understand a little bit.

do you find teaching at this school much more difficult than teaching English in HY?

I thought these kids were supposed to be speaking Chinese. Can they say meanie and perfectionist in Chinese?

Anonymous said...

A wise English teacher once said that one is only as happy as your saddest child. May you enjoy some aspect of your weekend. dls