Living and Finding Joy

8/4/09

Just when I think I have the Father’s plan figured it, it changes, or rather I change.
The reasons I am here, are not what I thought they would be; they aren’t even some back-up reasons I thought they might be. In fact, I have no idea why I’m living in China this summer. It’s not some grand picture or goal like I had originally planned. In fact, the reasons are so cloudy now, I don’t even remember whether or not they were my reasons or someone else’s.

And now, I sit alone..the only foreigner on campus. So far, only a few Chinese friends know I’m here. They seem surprised to see me, and very busy. I don’t mind the time by myself, although I have to laugh. One of my worst fears…being alone, will be this weeks’ reality. It helps me know how insignificant I am. Who notices my absence or my distance?

Instead of feeling angry at people, I feel angry at my own weakness. For relying on people to give me a feeling of worth, or being addicted to conversations with friends, of needing people. I realize that this need for others, is also an idol; should I not be surprised that it’s stripped away? And what’s more amazing, should I not be surprised that amidst living within one of my worst fears, I still feel joy? That even though some of my former friends are busy, the father provides new ones?