Moments like these

An unforgetable day. . .
as memorable as these poses,

as bright as these leaves...
as beautiful as these friends...

Thankful for moments like these!

Act 1: Second Grade

When did I grow up?

I still can vividly remember being in second grade with Mrs. Pidde as my teacher, copying cursive letters, getting my name written on the board, playing on the swings at recess, flirting with Evan on the bus. Now everyday, I work in a second grade classroom only I’m not a student. I listen as the students describe their families, their parents’ ages and occupations, and I can’t help but think that I too could have a child in second grade.

Yesterday many of these kids' parents were at the school to watch their children walk in a character parade. But the parents didn’t really seem like parents anymore; they seemed like they could be peers or college friends or team-mates. But they were there to watch their children, and I was there, looking mostly like a college student or a recent graduate. And I started to feel panicky. Like the curtain for a play has suddenly been lifted and everyone around me is an act or two further along in their life productions. But I’m still on Act One and the play doesn’t really seem to be going anywhere, and the characters don’t know their lines. And sometimes I can't really hear what the director is saying or I forget what play we are performing.

And second grade still feels like it was yesterday. And my life play still feels a little bit permanently stuck in Act One. Or maybe some Acts of this performance have not made the cut, and this production is more of a modern one.

Changes

"Changes coming upon us, they keep moving, moving around us.
Got to keep dancing knowing he loves us,
Got to keep joy in our hearts.
So we enter a new time, there are places where it's a hard climb
but there are faces carrying sunshine, forming our path as we go.
Sometimes we may be lonely, it's a hard job making us holy
But in the long run, there will be glory, glory to rival the sun."

This is a song from the summer camp where I used to attend (SLCC). I loved singing this song around the campfire, feeling like all the changes that were about to happen would be okay and result in something beautiful.

Now, my life is kind of in the mist of what feels like an overwhelming amount of changes. Changes in job, in living situation, in relationships. Even the leaves changing colors and the winds sweeping in cold fronts are a constant reminder of the changes that continue swirling around my life.

But I'm the type of person who likes at least 1 week to adjust to even small changes. Changes make me feel anxious; perhaps my soul just walks through life a little bit slower than the rest of me. I remember the growing pains of being on staff at camp and feeling absolutely miserable the first 2 weeks until I adapted and enjoyed some of the best summers of my life. And yet, here I am needing to remind myself of my slow learning curve when it comes to changes. Changes that seem to be keeping pace with the leaves falling to the ground, falling around me, forcing me to my knees.

"Sometimes we may be lonely, it's a hard job making us holy
But in the long run, there will be glory, glory to rival the sun."

Dating

So honestly, all I want to do recently is write about relationships and guys. I even wrote some of my very own "principles" for going on a date. I think the principles are a helpful, reasonable approach to dating. I plan to write them on cardboard and hang them on the inside of my closet door lest I need reminding.

Sculpture Garden Saturday

This past Saturday, I went with a group of Chinese people to the Sculpture gardens here in the Twin Cities. I love the sculpture gardens; I love the outdoors in the Fall; I love hanging out with Chinese people. And even so, after a busy week, I was dragging my feet to do it and regretting that I had signed up for it. However, during the course of the day, it became more clear to me that I was in the right place. Neither the husband nor wife that rode in my car spoke English except for "beautiful" and "Let's go" and "DC" which didn't take us far for interesting conversations in English. This couple is just in the US for about a month visiting their son who studies here. They had already traveled to New York, Las Vegas, and some other place in MN.Despite all the places they had already seen, they were really excited to meet "a true American" (their words) who could also speak some Chinese. At one time, the man corrected my pronunciation, "Hang out with more Chinese people and you're Chinese will be perfect in no time" he advised me.

I loved to hear their perception of America too. "Americans have a problem with being overweight" the man told me. "Pay attention so it doesn't happen to you."
"I will" I said sincerely and then I reassured him that I eat fruit and walk a lot. "Especially eat less in the evening" he continued to advise me not convinced of my small attempts at slenderness.
He also wondered why Americans drink cold water while they're eating a meal. I can actually understand his concern as there has been some studies that show drinking water while eating can actually dilute the enzymes that digest food.

But perhaps one of the funniest situations to explain were the big wedding parties of people that were walking around the sculpture gardens taking photos. "They're taking photos right before their wedding" I explained. The man laughed at me and corrected me: "They're not having a wedding now; they're just taking photos for a wedding that will happen in a month or two." And then I remembered how in China, that's usually how it is done. The bride and groom have a wedding photo shoot literally a month or two before their wedding so they can have the wedding photo album sitting at the entrance of the reception. I did my best to explain that in America, most people will take their wedding photos (including all 10 of the wedding party) right before or after their wedding; I'm still not sure they believed me.

Overwhelmed

Yep, I don't know what I'm doing; it's been pretty solidly confirmed in my mind. I walk between two main classrooms and try to discreetly slip in and out without making a stir. In the classroom, I sit beside the students that need assistance with the task. I redirect them to stay on task or explain the homework to them. Many times, they are in their own world, so I take them out of the classroom to work on homework in a small little office room. The little office room feels safe somehow in the same way a prison cell feels safe for prisoners who are scared of the other inmates. In the hall, other students see me and are confused: "Are you a parent? What are you doing here?"
"I am a paraprofessional" I respond...mostly because they don't know what that is and then they quit asking me questions. I move through the building awkwardly trying to be helpful but not overstep the teachers' authority. I speak Chinese most often in the classrooms but will revert to English sometimes in the hallway. Sometimes I don't know if the Chinese speaking is more important or if getting the student to complete the task is more important. I help an older boy with his Chinese; he told me today that he doesn't want to learn Chinese at all. I don't know how to motivate him. I work with another younger boy too. I try to be patient all day, until I get in my car. Then I want to speed, but there are traffic jams so I just swear at people from my car... and feel overwhelmed.

It's likely no coincidence that I'm experiencing all these emotions too while I am overly tired. Since the pending job change, I haven't had a normal week for 3 weeks now. I feel the weariness all the time. Most recently, I make a lot of poor decisions or deliberate over small, insignificant ones. "Should I buy carrots for dinner tonight?" I have over-extended myself for people I don't even know while I fail to respond to emails, text messages, and phone calls from close friends. When I do respond, I sound like a mess; I think I'll quit responding for a bit. I haven't called my grandma in over 2 weeks. I shower less and sometimes don't even brush my teeth in the morning before I leave for work. Yes, I feel a little overwhelmed with life right now.

In over my Head

Tomorrow I start a new job.
I feel a little inadequate. I will be a paraprofessional (teacher's aide) at a Chinese immersion school in the Twin Cities. The main task will be working with different students who have learning disabilities or who need some extra help in different subjects. Did I mention that I am a bit overwhelmed and feel in over my head?

Last week, I went to the school a couple of days to get my feet wet and learn the environment. In the very first classroom, I was thrown into helping students complete a story problem worksheet (all questions written in Chinese of course.) One boy looked at me and said, "Teacher, how do I write the 'zero' in Chinese."
I had no idea. "Don't worry about that problem" I redirected him while thinking to myself "Crap!" And that's pretty much how I have felt the rest of the week, "Crap."
I am nowhere near a master of Chinese, and I was never good at Math even when it was in English. On top of that, I don't have any experience working with kids who have some special learning needs. And here I go to bed knowing that tomorrow will be a day full of all that.

However, there is peace that comes with accepting that the first week, and likely the first month, will be hard. I will stumble a lot. I will have to ask others for help. I will likely seem incompetent to some and overly confident to others. But, I am not here as a pleaser of men, and this job seems part of some big plan I can't make out or understand. So, welcome in emotions of peace and joy; you are needed here.

Expectations

There is a lot to be said of having low expectations. If you expect less, you will usually be pleasantly surprised. Does this sound cynical? Maybe so, but the result of having your expectations exceeded is actually quite refreshing.
Here's to a life of expecting less.

The Art of Forgetting

I have one of those personalities that over-analyzes relationships. If only one could get inside my head for a bit, it might seem like I had a problem:
"If I do this, then they are likely thinking that what I really meant what this."
"Why did they say that? Are they being cryptic in trying to send me a message" or "If I don't smile at everything he says, he's going to think I'm uninterested" or maybe
"Why didn't they hang out with that friend last night; perhaps they are fighting. I bet they are upset at each other over X problem" and on and on the analyzing goes.

Aware of this unending processing, I have recently felt that a lot is to be said about the art of forgetting about relationships for a moment, turning off one's relational processor and just being. Yes, this is often best done after giving these speculations and worries to the Father but unfortunately for me, things don't simply disappear when I give them to Him...they still cycle around like clothes in a washing machine that's stuck on the spin cycle. So this week and week-end I have purposed it in my heart to practice the art of forgetting. To live in the moment for the relationships that are unfolding before me; not anticipating the future, not thinking about what's just transpired, being perfectly content and intentionally forgetful.