Yep, I don't know what I'm doing; it's been pretty solidly confirmed in my mind. I walk between two main classrooms and try to discreetly slip in and out without making a stir. In the classroom, I sit beside the students that need assistance with the task. I redirect them to stay on task or explain the homework to them. Many times, they are in their own world, so I take them out of the classroom to work on homework in a small little office room. The little office room feels safe somehow in the same way a prison cell feels safe for prisoners who are scared of the other inmates. In the hall, other students see me and are confused: "Are you a parent? What are you doing here?"
"I am a paraprofessional" I respond...mostly because they don't know what that is and then they quit asking me questions. I move through the building awkwardly trying to be helpful but not overstep the teachers' authority. I speak Chinese most often in the classrooms but will revert to English sometimes in the hallway. Sometimes I don't know if the Chinese speaking is more important or if getting the student to complete the task is more important. I help an older boy with his Chinese; he told me today that he doesn't want to learn Chinese at all. I don't know how to motivate him. I work with another younger boy too. I try to be patient all day, until I get in my car. Then I want to speed, but there are traffic jams so I just swear at people from my car... and feel overwhelmed.
It's likely no coincidence that I'm experiencing all these emotions too while I am overly tired. Since the pending job change, I haven't had a normal week for 3 weeks now. I feel the weariness all the time. Most recently, I make a lot of poor decisions or deliberate over small, insignificant ones. "Should I buy carrots for dinner tonight?" I have over-extended myself for people I don't even know while I fail to respond to emails, text messages, and phone calls from close friends. When I do respond, I sound like a mess; I think I'll quit responding for a bit. I haven't called my grandma in over 2 weeks. I shower less and sometimes don't even brush my teeth in the morning before I leave for work. Yes, I feel a little overwhelmed with life right now.