Yep, I don't know what I'm doing; it's been pretty solidly confirmed in my mind. I walk between two main classrooms and try to discreetly slip in and out without making a stir. In the classroom, I sit beside the students that need assistance with the task. I redirect them to stay on task or explain the homework to them. Many times, they are in their own world, so I take them out of the classroom to work on homework in a small little office room. The little office room feels safe somehow in the same way a prison cell feels safe for prisoners who are scared of the other inmates. In the hall, other students see me and are confused: "Are you a parent? What are you doing here?"
"I am a paraprofessional" I respond...mostly because they don't know what that is and then they quit asking me questions. I move through the building awkwardly trying to be helpful but not overstep the teachers' authority. I speak Chinese most often in the classrooms but will revert to English sometimes in the hallway. Sometimes I don't know if the Chinese speaking is more important or if getting the student to complete the task is more important. I help an older boy with his Chinese; he told me today that he doesn't want to learn Chinese at all. I don't know how to motivate him. I work with another younger boy too. I try to be patient all day, until I get in my car. Then I want to speed, but there are traffic jams so I just swear at people from my car... and feel overwhelmed.
It's likely no coincidence that I'm experiencing all these emotions too while I am overly tired. Since the pending job change, I haven't had a normal week for 3 weeks now. I feel the weariness all the time. Most recently, I make a lot of poor decisions or deliberate over small, insignificant ones. "Should I buy carrots for dinner tonight?" I have over-extended myself for people I don't even know while I fail to respond to emails, text messages, and phone calls from close friends. When I do respond, I sound like a mess; I think I'll quit responding for a bit. I haven't called my grandma in over 2 weeks. I shower less and sometimes don't even brush my teeth in the morning before I leave for work. Yes, I feel a little overwhelmed with life right now.
3 comments:
I feel your pain. Change some details and I could've written this myself! But He is sufficient for us, and His power made perfect in our weakness. 加油!
Man! I'm praying for you, and praying you find your place and sense of direction in your career. It is frustrating when you feel limited on what you can do because you don't want to interfere with your authorities.
Stress can be fierce in the early going of a challenging situation. Fortunately, it usually becomes better as time goes by.
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