So, I'm looking for some hard-core comments and suggestions about this poem. I just plunked it out; it took me about 5 minutes or so, therefore, your comments are substantial. I'm going to try and crank out a poem a day for the next week. Let me know your thoughts or at least throw some verbal tomatoes at your monitor. :)
Here I sit
perplexed and haunted.
Alone, yet surrounded
and covered in thoughts
my own…
and others’ too.
I want to run away from myself
from my mind.
I can’t turn it off…
it ticks through useless information
about words spoken
glances cast
and words spoken
in jest.
To be here
punched out, yet mentally
working always.
Perplexed, and haunted
yet somehow content.
Still wanting an escape
from you and your glances
and your words spoken
in jest…or not?
4 comments:
I relate to your poem. since you asked for CC, I guess I'd share that there seems to be redundant phrases whether those were intentional or not ("jest" and "words spoken") Maybe rephrase these so they don't distract the reader?
Thank you for your transparency. I know you don't even know me but I find sometimes during my days I'll happen to think of whatever recent post you posted and then I remember to pray for you in this transition and in your contentment.
Nice rhyme
Good times
Even when
The clock chimes!
Hey there Jenny and Ruth.
Good thoughts. Jenny, the redundancy is supposed to be for effect. But, if it's distracting, then that's bad news bears. I will rework it a bit. Mom, love the rhyming response poem. Bonus poem.
We like it. The repetition of "words spoken" emphasizes the very different meanings of "glances cast" and "in jest."
Post a Comment