I used to think that if only I were dating someone, then I wouldn't worry so much about my future. After all, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, right? So maybe I'm no longer hanging out around bushes, throwing my beautiful smile around, but now I've got this completely unpredictable bird (relationship) in hand that feels completely beyond my control.
And it turns out that the security I thought would come with "being in a relationship" is a great illusion, another lie that I had believed in. Sure, maybe I don't worry about getting a guy to like me or ask me out now, but that is just the beginning of an entirely new suitcase of worries I call "the FUTURE."
Here are some of the new worries:
1) What if he meets someone better?
2) Should I have let him see that side of me yet?
3) What will his parents think of me?
4) What if we get bored of each other?
5) What if he develops health problems?
6) What if we date a year and then break up? Will I have wasted a year?
7) What if we don't get along with each others' friends?
8) What if our future plans look different from each others?
9) What does he mean when he says that?
"Aiya" as they say in Chinese. I almost cannot handle this new string of worries. I am tempted to find some small point and say, "See this? We will never make it" if only to be done with my worries. But this is not the point and will not lead to maturity or anywhere. In fact, even if I knew all the answers to the above questions, I would undoubtedly think of some more worries to keep me company.
So instead of getting all this figured out, I am learning to live with lots of unanswered questions. I am learning to give it to God and realize that obedience in the small things is slowly leading to peace. I am learning to live holding this bird loosely in my hand so that if it should fly away, I will be ready to deal with the bushes again.