Tuesday, August 30, 2011

On Barrenness and Checkers

Recently, I have thought a lot about having children or maybe rather, not having them. Some mornings, it is my first thought when I wake...a combined reminder of my age, my single status, and a deep ingrained desire to have my life produce something more. Yes, literally produce.

It's on those mornings, that literally every peer I see seems to have a baby slung over the hip and another one running behind her. And it's all I can do on those days to hold on to a very thin wisp of hope that my life also has meaning, some greater purpose beyond myself. Recently, it's been difficult to find that truth, and a dark cloud has been looming over me.

My desire for children is not because I think it looks easy or fun necessarily, but it does seem part of some greater life experiences like losing a tooth, puberty, dating, working, marriage, getting sick, and even dying. Most people don't skip any of those life stages nor do they expect to. And yet here I feel as though I have skipped two of them, like being double jumped in a game of checkers. And because I'm not a strategic or aggressive person, I also feel hopeless to change my fate as my chips disappear before me: my hair starts to grey, my skin starts to wrinkle, and everything else starts to sag.

And in case you can't tell, I feel completely helpless in this situation. I try to distract myself with happy thoughts, Enrique Inglesia music, sermons on singleness, and random hobbies. But the dark cloud lingers, and I wish the wisp of hope were something a bit more tangible and didn't feel so much like losing a game of checkers.


Drew and Rachel said...

It's true, I can't imagine what a hole I would feel without Drew or kids. I wish I could encourage you in some way, but what immediately comes to mind is that I agree with you - I have the same deep desire for my husband, and then, to fill up an apartment with some babies.

your friend-

Delphia Wiebe said...

Portia, I love your writing - you show so much of your heart which seems rare in this age.
Couple of questions - where are you living in the Cities? Are you taking classes at the U of M?
Thought of you immediately when I heard a mom recently say "I wish I could speak Chinese." She and her husband have recently adopted a four year old girl from China.

Portia said...

Oh Delphia, thank you so much for your encouragement. Writing has greatly helped me, especially this past month. I live in a suburb of the Twin Cities, Mahtomedi. I'm not at the U of M, but I volunteer there with Chinese students. Rachel, I greatly appreciate your honesty! :)

Norman & Joyce said...

And you are how old?

Portia said...