Recently, I have thought a lot about having children or maybe rather, not having them. Some mornings, it is my first thought when I wake...a combined reminder of my age, my single status, and a deep ingrained desire to have my life produce something more. Yes, literally produce.
It's on those mornings, that literally every peer I see seems to have a baby slung over the hip and another one running behind her. And it's all I can do on those days to hold on to a very thin wisp of hope that my life also has meaning, some greater purpose beyond myself. Recently, it's been difficult to find that truth, and a dark cloud has been looming over me.
My desire for children is not because I think it looks easy or fun necessarily, but it does seem part of some greater life experiences like losing a tooth, puberty, dating, working, marriage, getting sick, and even dying. Most people don't skip any of those life stages nor do they expect to. And yet here I feel as though I have skipped two of them, like being double jumped in a game of checkers. And because I'm not a strategic or aggressive person, I also feel hopeless to change my fate as my chips disappear before me: my hair starts to grey, my skin starts to wrinkle, and everything else starts to sag.
And in case you can't tell, I feel completely helpless in this situation. I try to distract myself with happy thoughts, Enrique Inglesia music, sermons on singleness, and random hobbies. But the dark cloud lingers, and I wish the wisp of hope were something a bit more tangible and didn't feel so much like losing a game of checkers.